HEY, YOU!!! YEAH!!! YOU!!!

HEED MY WORDS... your LIFE may DEPEND on IT!

We have passed the Equinox, the witching hour is gaining strength, and Orange Kit-Kat bars are in stores! That could only mean one thing... GHOSTS! And because of that, YOU need to be prepared to defend yourself from imminent haunting, guaranteed infestation, and impending possession.

Here are my top 13 tips for you to ward off evil apparitions in time for this upcoming All Hallows Eve!

1. Start with the home base.

Invest in some good mirrors, crucifixes and Holy Water. Better yet, INVITE A PRIEST to bless your home. Don't bother with boards and nails! These are not Zombies… they're GHOSTS! THEY WALK THROUGH WALLS. Also, SALT. EVERYWHERE!

2.  Develop a Taste for Classical Music.

Most spooks are absolutely floored by classical music. Makes their skin (or lack-there-of) crawl! Bach or Mozart should do a number on 'em!

3. If you don’t like the color red... YOU BETTER START!

Just like classical music, spooky spirits are deterred by the color red. So check out your local home-goods store and raid them for ALL of their red carpets, wallpaper, and clothing!

4.  Arm Up!

Get yourself a quality set of Ghost Annihilation gear. This calls for a raid of your local sporting goods store, or the Nerf aisle at Target — vests, pants with lots of pockets, gloves, ninja garb, something leather — all necessities! Also, you might want to track down a helmet or headgear of some sort, in case you encounter one of those pesky paranormal poltergeists! (I broke out the alliteration, so you KNOW I mean BUSINESS!)

5. Primary Weapon: Holy Water Blaster.

Those kids in "Monster House" would have had a lot more luck if those water guns had been filled with Holy Water!

Alternative Ammo: If you can, gather those slimy leftovers from the spooks and use it in your blaster. Especially if the ghost is one of those pesky fire/electricity spooks. Also, garlic… not sure if it will work, but worth a shot.

6. Secondary Weapon: The Spook-Saber.

At first glance, it may just look like a toy lightsaber that you picked up from the Halloween Costume section at Walmart… BUT I TELL YOU THIS, it is a deadly phantom phaser!

Disclaimer: You are gonna want to get that bad boy blessed by a priest, or at least a friend who paid attention in Sunday School. You're pretty much screwed if you don't. Proceed with caution.

7. Tertiary Weapon: Ghoul-y Bombs.

That's right! Water balloons filled with the same ammo of choice in your Holy Water (or other various spooky/Halloweenie fluid) Blaster! Should provide you with some handy grenade-like projectiles!

Caution: Careful, don't let them pop. You don't wanna be cornered with no backup

8. Secret Weapon: Graveyard Dirt!

YES! The ultimate tool to exorcize your abode. Spread it in and all around your property. IF YOU CAN TRICK THE GHOST(S) INTO EATING IT, THEY WILL EXPLODE IMMEDIATELY! (Easier said than done.)

Alternative: Salt. It works pretty well… for a while... kinda.

9.  Last Resort: Friendly Sacrifice.

Hate to say it, but you might have to. If you are in a group, best to go with the weakest link. Just throw that little bastard to the ghosts like bacon to the wolves! (Of course, they may just get a good slime-ing by a Class V Roaming Vapor.)

ALSO a GREAT WAY TO VANQUISH YOUR MORTAL ENEMIES AS WELL! A win-win in my book.

10. STUDY UP!

The more homework you can do on the haunted enemy, the better. As many movies, shows and books as you can get your hands on. My recommendations…

Books: The Ghosthunters series by Cornelia Funke, as well as any clues you can gather from R.L. Stine's body of work. ALSO, can't go wrong with "The Very Scary Almanac" by Eric Elfman.

Movies: The original "Ghostbusters" movie! (Stay away from the other one.)

TV Shows: "Ghost Adventures," "Haunted Live," and the original "Ghost Hunters." (Just hit up the Travel channel. All their stuff is good.) And again, R.L. Stine!

11. Be Aware!

Never let your guard down. It is easy to do: No signs of movement, all is quiet, things are NOT going bump in the night. You set down to rest, and are at peace… THE BLAM! You're possessed. BE CONSTANTLY ALERT.

12. Never Give Up!

Summon your will-power, for you shall prevail!

13. Now like… actually.

But seriously, if you want to survive, find some decent/semi-decent recording equipment, a few audio recorders, good lights or night vision, a group of pals, and then find the local Shriekin' Shack and get your Spook on!

HAPPY "GHOSTOBER"!