Life is full of expectations and often they can get out of control, especially when you are a person who likes to plan or organize things. I tend to be a worrywart and dislike being unprepared, so I gather as much information as I can, trying to visualize what the new situation or event will be like, and build up expectations. These expectations are definitely not all bad. However, they can cause me to waste much of my time and energy by worrying about something I cannot change and cause me to be less adaptable to changes in situations because I have to rebuild my expectations.
This year, God has shown me many things about my expectations and plans. My world turned upside down when I moved across the ocean to college and all of my expectations had to be thrown out the window. Even in the process of making my decision about college, God showed me clearly through the story of Joshua that His plans are very different from mine and do not always align with what seems practical to me. Throughout my first year in college, God has continued to show me how drastically different His plans are from mine and how I need to learn to hold my plans and expectations loosely. He has shown me the truth of Isaiah 55:9, “For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” My prayer this year has been to have open hands lifted to God, not white knuckles gripping my plans and expectations.
Why do I make these expectations and plans? And why is it so hard to let go of them? I think fear is the main answer to these questions I have been wrestling with all year. I am afraid of the unknown so I try to visualize it in efforts to make it seem less frightening. I am afraid of being unprepared, so I worry and try to plan for any circumstances that could occur. I am afraid of failure, so I try to think through every possible way things could go wrong in effort to somehow avoid failing in those ways.
Unlike any other trips and experiences I have had previously, I have had very few and unspecific expectations for my trip to Ecuador this summer. I am confused myself about this phenomenon—why did I not build up tall walls of abundant expectations, each brick held together by the cement of anxiety? This is not to say I had absolutely no expectations going into this trip. I did envision the condition of the country being somewhat similar to other developing countries I have been to and volunteer experiences having some parallels, but honestly, not much more than that.
I think the reason for my lack of expectations lies in the lack of information I was given about this trip and the faith it required to trust that God was going to take care of me on this adventure since He gave me the opportunity to embark on it. Initially, I found the vagueness of the program frustrating, but in retrospect, I think it was beneficial and kept me from formulating a plethora of expectations and stressing out. I have experienced a greater sense of freedom and peace about this trip than any others before. Since I knew almost nothing about the situation besides the main objectives, I did not have much to build my expectations off of, plus I had plenty of life happening every day this semester for me to focus too much on the unknown future. Additionally, and more importantly, I think I am beginning to learn what surrender looks like and was able to trust God with all the unknowns of this adventure I was going to embark on with Him.
As I sit in the apartment my team and I will share for the next six weeks, feeling rather overwhelmed by our first five days in Ecuador, I realize that my growth in learning to hold my expectations and plans loosely and in open palms to my Heavenly Father all started from a willingness to surrender my life to Him.
Do not be misled—in no way have I developed the sincere trust and ability to completely surrender all of my life, plans, and expectations to God. I am still learning how to do this! But my hope is that somehow, whatever path of life you are walking right now and whether you struggle with letting go of your plans or not, you will grow closer to our loving Father who is inviting us to surrender our all to Him, because what He has in store for us is better than anything we can imagine.
