I have recently been going through a bit of a rough patch. At the beginning of this semester, I had high hopes and expectations for myself. My plan was to FINALLY make that 4.0, that I still have yet to receive. I was excited to finally be in all classes that pertained to my major, because I just knew I was going to fall in love with them. This was truly going to be the beginning of the rest of my picture perfect life that God has planned for me.
Fast forward to the first day of school.
I hated it. As soon as I got out of my last class I called my mom and told her that I didn't think I could do this anymore. It wasn't that the work was too hard, my problem was that I did not absolutely love my classes like I thought I was supposed to. Something just wasn't right.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I was in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. I went to class every single day with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I would do my homework and think to myself, "Why am I doing this?" I turned in several assignments that I felt confident about, for them to be returned with a D. There were several times when I went a bathroom stall in between classes and just cried.
I constantly prayed for peace and as soon as I would feel at ease, fearful and anxious thoughts would creep back into my mind. What if I'm really not good enough to do this whole college thing? What if I fail in my profession after I graduate? What if I'm really not where I'm supposed to be?
One morning I decided to go for a run. I asked God why this was happening. Why was I so confused? Why am I not in love with my life right now like I thought I was supposed to be? He said, "You say you trust me, but you don't." What? That's crazy. Of course I do. BUT.... "Hayley, if you truly trust me, why do you worry so much? Why are you afraid that you aren't good enough to be where I, myself, chose you, and placed you?" Ugh, God, you have a point, but I'm just a worrier. You know that. I always worry about everything, that's just who I am. "STOP. Worry is a sin, and that does NOT define you. Stop identifying yourself as a worrier, and start finding your identity in me."
I stopped running. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't move. I started crying and said "You're right. God, I just want to be happy again." He said, "Find your happiness in me. Instead of worrying about where you're going in life, find happiness in where I have placed you. You have to realize that you aren't perfect. If you fail, come to me and find comfort in me. Then move on. The more you enjoy where you are now, the easier it will be to trust me in where you're going next."
From that day on, I've chosen happiness. I'm looking at every situation as a part of God's plan. I've learned to view this journey as a series of steps, not just as a picture of the destination. I realized that attitude is all about perspective. If I have a fearful perspective of where I am, I'm going to have a fearful and anxious attitude. But, if I'm grateful and excited about where I am, I'm going to have a much happier attitude, and therefore, happier life. I've chosen joy over worry, trust over doubt, and I can honestly say that I've never been happier, and can not wait to tackle each day as they come with my new identity.
