1. Numbness
At first, your body is at a standstill. The funniest moment won’t put a dent in your expression. The happiest instance won’t illuminate your heart. The unhappiest occurrence won’t express the smallest tear. It’s like your body is intact, but just like they left, so did your soul. There is an array of emotions your heart is feeling, but your brain rejects them all.
2. The guilt, oh, the guilt.
Just kidding. There is one feeling your brain accepts: guilt. You feel guilty for not feeling anything at all. You know you should cry, but you can’t. You know you should be breaking down, but you’re not. You know you should feel worse, but right now, you don’t.
3. And then it hits you -- the worst pain you have ever felt.
Have you ever been to the emergency room, and had a nurse tell you to rate your pain on a scale from 1-10? Looking back now, you laugh at the eight you thought you were feeling because nothing can ever amount to the agony you feel losing your loved one. You find yourself holding your chest because your heart is literally aching. It’s the type of pain that is so immense, it’s incomparable and unexplainable.
4. Anger.
We have all asked this question a million times, “Why me?” You start to question your motives and your actions, trying to find a reason why such a horrible thing happened to you. What you could have possibly done to deserve such heartbreak. You yelled at God, asking him why he stripped away the most important person from your life. You are mad at the people who say they understand but don’t. You’re angry at the ones who never even bothered to say anything. And, you’re mad at yourself, for not saying “I love you” to them more than you did.
5. People you expected to be there for you weren’t, and the people you never expected were.
Death reveals a lot, especially your true support system. There are the people who held you when you cried … who cried with you … and who was never even there to see a tear. Overall, you feel eternally grateful for the ones who brought you food, fully aware that you weren’t even going to eat it. The ones who didn’t even think twice about you getting snot on their shirt. The ones who came over at 3:00 a.m. just to sit there with you while you sobbed like a baby. The ones who drove miles and miles just to come to the hour-long funeral. The ones who not only prayed for you, but with you. The ones who made sure you felt like you weren’t alone, even though you did.
6. The inability to function.
And you thought you were disoriented during your 7:30 a.m. lecture -- ha. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to focus on anything. The simplest daily functions become the hardest tasks. Getting out of bed is a workout, putting on clean clothes is a chore, and going to work is almost comedic.
7. Just because you feel good one day doesn’t mean you’re good.
You actually get up, shower, and leave your apartment. You listened to a sad song on the radio without crying, you actually engage in a conversation with someone, and you even laughed at your favorite Netflix show. You had an okay day, but you’re not okay … and probably won’t be for a while.
8. You forget they’re gone.
We all know of those instances where you get an A on an exam, you forget an ingredient to a recipe, or you just need advice, and the first thing you do is dial the phone to call that someone … and they don’t pick up. The first time you did that, it hit you right in the gut. You probably dropped the phone and burst into tears, because at that moment you truly realized that they’re not going to answer. You truly realized that it’s real.
9. You start to forget them.
As bad as you want it to stop, pieces of them start drifting away. You have a hard time remembering the sound of their voice. You start to forget the way they walked, or the way they laughed. You forget how they smelled — but, once in a while you catch their scent, you stay in that spot until the scent fully goes away.
10. You know that big life events will forever be bittersweet.
You think ahead to the future, and quickly become saddened. It’s hard to grasp the fact that they’re not going to be the loudest person shouting and clapping at your graduation. They’re not going to be the first person you call when you get engaged. They’re not going to be the one helping you get ready for your wedding day. Your future successes and trials will become even more sentimental because you want them there to celebrate with you, and you especially need them there to lean on.
11. You will never be your “old self” again.
Not only do you start to forget them, but you forget who you were before you lost them. You are a completely new person now. Your perspective on life has changed. The way you talk to people has changed. The way you deal with difficult situations has changed. Once you experience this kind of loss, nothing can ever amount to what you went through — and, undoubtedly, it has changed you forever.
