Dear Sweet Child,
First off, I just wanted to start by saying you are strong, even when it feels like the world is crumbling beneath your feet.
Secondly, I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your parent in your most crucial years of needing love and words of encouragement. A piece of your world was stripped away from you, and that will never be replaced. Which I know personally, stings so deep.
As you continue to grow throughout your life, I wanted to address some aspects that I have learned on my own are not the easiest to conquer — that in most cases, people do not understand.
1. It's OK to cry, on the real : Forget those people who tell you crying is for the weak. You go ahead and cry, you probably need it.
2. Every holiday is like ripping a Band-Aid off over and over : Your family will laugh about memories from the past when everyone was all together. Reminiscing about what your parent was like, their favorite desserts, or how they would laugh a certain way. With a smile plastered across your face, you'll nod as family members tell you stories and you'll think about what you would give to have them there with you.
3. Graduating, moving away to college, first date, first real job, any big event will cause a sting of pain : In the moment, you are so happy and excited as these new chapters open up. But later on, once alone, you think about how awesome it would be to have them carrying boxes into your dorm room, questioning your first date, looking out into the crowd at graduation, and seeing them with a camera recording you with a thumbs up. You'll get chills as you think about how different life would be with them around.
4. You question everything and ask over and over why ? : Whether it was a natural cause of death or some accident, you question everything you know and what you believe in (if you believe in anything). You will replay moments in your head questioning your actions asking what if ? But if anything, the re-occurring question is why? An answer that is one to be continued.
5. You will be jealous of kids who have both their parents : You will see kids who have both parents and something inside you will stir, a sense of resentment. Because at one time, that was you and the world wasn't perfect but it was lovely and everything you knew was great.
6. Watching your other parent heal is one of the hardest things you will ever watch : Though extremely challenging and frustrating at times, watching your parent cry to the point of exhaustion will be really hard, but the grieving process does get easier. So hang onto that small nugget of gold.
7. Family traditions will never be the same : Summers of camping and spending endless days on the water, baking rum cakes together, Saturday mornings spent watching cartoons just become a memory that you hold so close to your heart.
8. You become extremely protective of your siblings and whoever makes fun of them for losing a parent: No one messes with your squad but especially when someone brings up how you lost your parent, you go into protective mode. Just remember to breathe and walk in love. Kill 'em with kindness.
9. Heartbreaks hurt just as much, if not more : You will want that one parent to embrace you in their arms with snot running down your nose and tears streaming. You will just want to hear them say, " You'll be all right, kid. I love you and that's all you need."
10. The word "sorry" becomes numb to you : People don't know your story and openly they don't know what to do besides saying sorry. After a while, you smirk and softly whisper, " Thanks ." The word sorry no longer has meaning after you have heard it over a million times.
11. Pictures and old family videos are possibly one of God's greatest gifts to you : One day you will come across a tub filled with pictures, and as you sit on the basement floor looking through them, you'll start to cry. Your mind will take you back to that exact moment and right there alone on the cold floor, you encounter a special moment of what life was like then.
12. Death will change you and your outlook on life : Seemingly the small stuff isn't so bad anymore. You stop complaining and you really take a check of what is important in your life.
13. You wonder if they're proud of you : When no one was looking and you did the right thing, or when you ace that test you studied so hard for. You stop to think I wonder ...
14. Hearing old stories from relatives and friends is a great thing : Shocked and trying not to laugh, you can't believe what your uncle just told you about the one night they all snuck out and crashed a car. These stories will warm your heart, take the time to listen to them.
Lastly, you grow in ways you never thought possible
: There will be moments where your whole family will be together and you'll think to yourself how in a weird way everyone has a quirk of that parent. Then looking at your own heart, you realize how much you've grown.
As you continue to grow, just remember wherever you are in life, that parent is right there with you, cheering you on and flashing you thumbs up as you graduate throughout the stages of life.
All my love and tears,
A girl who lost her dad