It's Wednesday. You've endured the cruelties of Monday and Tuesday and deserve to be rewarded for it. You dance-hopped your way into your pants this morning, only breaking a sweat two times, knowing Matt Bellassai's wisdom was awaiting you. His trademark pouring of wine, which is all too familiar, invites you once again to live vicariously through him.
Below are the top quotes from every "Whine About It" episode. If this doesn't convince you to fall in love with him, I don't know what will.
1. Season 1 Episode 1
On Random Things
“Why would you ever put a crouton on a salad? You’re taking a good thing and you’re making it hard and then you’re putting it on the worst food ever.”
2. Season 1 Episode 2
On His Several Annoyances
“Also, anyone who goes to a bottomless brunch and then judges me for drinking too quickly. Guess what? Brunch is not a meal. Brunch is a battle, and I’m winning."
3. Season 1 Episode 3
On What Types Of Friends Are The Worst
“That one friend who has to pee every ten seconds. This isn’t normal. Your behavior is medically concerning. No normal human should pee at that frequency.”
4. Season 1 Episode 4
On Reasons Why Parties Are The Worst
“There’s always that person who brings snacks to a party that nobody wants. Nobody wants your bowl of chili, Carol. The last thing you want is a bunch of drunk sweaty people full of chili at a party just rumbling around.”
5. Season 1 Episode 5
On Worst Types Of People On Facebook
“Then there’s the girl whose sister had a baby and then she tries to act like she personally pushed it out of her baby tunnel. You didn’t. That sack has no idea what you are. I am the same thing to that baby that you are, which is nothing.”
6. Season 1 Episode 6
On Worst Types Of People At Bars
“There’s always the gaggle of old women in their tight leopard print dresses and high heels. One of them is always throat-deep on a 21-year-old man-boy, just licking one another’s tonsils, sucking the life out of his youthful soul. Excuse me ma’am, I didn’t come here to watch you ingest a child. Why don’t you hinge your jaw back together and let me drink in peace?”
7. Season 1 Episode 7
On Things People Do In Public That They Should Do In Private
“Those people who are always running in public… Why are you running when walking is an option? Or better yet, sitting. Have you ever tried sitting? Sitting is like a nap for your feet. Unless you’re literally being chased by a man with a functioning chainsaw, there’s no good reason to be running.”
8. Season 1 Episode 8
On The Most Annoying Types Of Couples
"Couples that only refer to themselves as we. ‘We don’t like French fries because it gives us heartburn.’ First of all, shut up. French fries are worth your pain. Second of all, you are two separate, disappointing human beings. I can barely stand either one of you, let alone the super blob you created by smashing yourselves together.”
9, Season 1 Episode 9
On The Worst Types Of People On Instagram
10. Season 1 Episode 10
On The Types Of Bros That Are The Absolute Worst
“Then there are bros who like Mountain Dew. Who hurt you? What trauma befell you in childhood to make you desire Mountain Dew?”
11. Season 1 Episode 11
On Reasons Why Kids Are The Absolute Worst
“Kids don’t care about your feelings, because they don’t realize that physically speaking, I could murder them if I wanted to. Children are no better than serial killers. They’ll look you right in the face while they disobey you. Also, kids are just constantly sticky. You could hold a bare child against the wall and it would stay there, and it’s never for a normal reason. Kids are always sticky for like three reasons: they ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and failed, they fell into some mud, [or] they’re covered in their own bodily fluids.”
12. Season 1 Episode 12
On The Worst Things About Being An Adult
“Guess what? I can barely put my pants on every morning. This morning I walked in and my fly [was] wide open. I spent the whole ride to work like that. You think I can be responsible for a family? I don’t even think I can keep a gerbil alive. Then, everyone expects you to have a savings account. I pay rent, electricity, water, alcohol; I have to eat, okay? Burritos aren’t going to buy themselves. And you know guac is extra.”
13. Season 1 Episode 13
On Reasons Why Clothes Shopping Is The Absolute Worst
“I’m a size mouse at GAP and a size walrus at H&M. All I want is the same size potato sack loosely covering this monstrosity no matter where I go. Also, everything looks better on the mannequins. Why don’t they make a mannequin that looks like this instead of a mannequin that looks like Tom Hanks after he came back from "Castaway?" What about a mannequin shaped like Wilson for the rest of us?”
14. Season 1 Episode 14
On The Worst Things About Online Dating
“First, any person whose profile picture is them posing with a fish. Oh, you can reel in a fish. You can stick a rod in the water and a fish will bite a piece of corn. Congratulations. That means nothing to me. I’m not a polar bear. I don’t want your fish. How about you hold up a nice burrito that you caught by yourself? That’s more interesting than your fish, sir.”
15. Season 1 Episode 15
On Reasons Why Going Out Is The Worst
“Honestly, I’d rather just start drinking than keep drinking in my bed alone surrounded by a bunch of warm baguettes. That’s all you need. You don’t need people to have fun. You just need warm carbohydrates.”
16. Season 1 Episode 16
On The Worst People At Every Restaurant
“Guess who suddenly wants a bite of my cheese-covered twice-baked chicken cacciatore? Well guess what, ma’am, someone made the wrong decision today. Food is not a game that you just decide to play. Food is my life. If I just let you, how are you going to learn? This is for your own safety.”
17. Season 1 Episode 17
On Reasons Why Outside Is The Worst
“First of all, outside is where happiness goes to die. There is no bed. There is no couch. There is no electric kettle that Oprah recommends that boils my water to the perfect Oprah quality temperature for a rich, robust cup of lemongrass green tea.”
18. Season 1 Episode 18
On Types Of College Students That Annoy Him
“Then there’s always that one guy that loves ultimate Frisbee. ‘Uh, I love ultimate Frisbee.’ That’s what he says. That’s what they all say. You know who else loves ultimate Frisbee? Dogs. Actual Dogs. That’s their favorite sport. You’re paying an entire luxury apartment complex worth of tuition to act like a dog outside. That’s what you want. That’s what you’re asking for right now, pal.”
19. Season 1 Episode 19
On The Worst Things About Weddings
“If I wanted to watch two people spit ‘I love you's’ into each other’s gaping mouths I could just walk right down the park and watch two crazy people do it for free. I am losing money just to watch the beginning of your marriage fall apart. You should be paying me for showing up to this mess.”
20. Season 1 Episode 20
On Types Of Coworkers That Are The Absolute Worst
“Shut up, Sharon. Nobody gives a gorilla’s nut about your Oreo snack packs. Yeah, I ate them. We all ate them. We pass them around everyday; they’re delicious. You got something to say about your Oreo snack packs? Come say it to my chocolate crumb-covered face instead of writing it on a little Post-it note. You think Abraham Lincoln used a Post-it note to free the slaves? No, he didn’t. He talked about his problem out loud like an adult.”
21. Season 1 Episode 21
On The Worst Types Of Roommates
“In conclusion, everyone should live by themselves because you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. Every time someone eats my food, I reserve the right to punch them right in the kidney. It’s in the Constitution, look it up! That’s what our founding fathers said. They didn’t even have two kidneys. All of them only had one. Benjamin Franklin? One Kidney. That’s why it was so important to them.”
22. Season 1 Episode 22
On The Most Annoying People To Text With
“Also, people who respond to messages with a whole string of indecipherable emojis. You’re not a caveman. What do I look like, some kind of hieroglyphics-reading scientist trying to read all the pictures on your wall? I asked you if you wanted to go out tonight and all you sent me was six corns on the cob, an octopus, and a pear. What’s that? Is that a yes? What does that mean? This is a text message, not a menu at Denny’s. Use your words.”
23. Season 1 Episode 23
On The Worst Things About Fall
“Do you think a summer squirrel would behave like this? Do you think a spring squirrel would break into my apartment and steal my homemade sugar cookies? No! It’s a fall squirrel, because they’re monsters.”
24. Season 2 Episode 1
On The Worst Things About Halloween
“Also, bros who try too hard to show off their glistening tanned meatbags. We get it, you drank a protein shake once. But if I see one more fraternity brother dressed as that guy from "300" just so he can show off his left peck, I’ll take off my earrings and I’ll slap [them] right across the face. That is Sparta.”
25. Season 2 Episode 2
On Skiing
“Also, why do you have to wear so many clothes just to slide down a mountain? Sweater. Scarf. Gloves. Goggles. Jacket. Coat. One of those neck things that they make you wear. And a pair of those long underwear that makes you look like you just woke up on a scene from "Little House On the Prairie." You know how many clothes I wear when I fall down? One... like one clothes.”
26. Season 2 Episode 3
On The Worst Types Of People On Airplanes
“There are those people who try to judge you for getting drunk on the airplane. What? A man can’t enjoy a nice adult beverage while he’s soaring through the sky like a majestic falcon? Flying is unnatural, and if you’re going to stick me in a metal tube and launch me through the sky, I’m going to need a drink.”
27. Season 2 Episode 4
On Types Of Food That Are The Worst
“Also, cookies with raisins in them. You know what a raisin is? A raisin is a chocolate chip that gave up all its hopes and dreams and settled on being a raisin.”
28. Season 2 Episode 5
On Reasons Why Wearing Pants Is The Worst
“Trying on pants is basically a mind game. You gotta take off your shoes, you’re hungry, you’re confused, your face is streaked with dry tears and you don’t even remember when you started crying... All to squeeze into a piece of fabric that measures how much fatter you are than the last time you tried on pants.”
29. Season 2 Episode 6
On Ways To Win At Thanksgiving Dinner
“Next, Thanksgiving is the only time of the year where it is acceptable to wear gym shorts. Because eating is the only sport worth sweating for. I walk into that feast and I’m ready to throw down and get wrecked.”
30. Season 2 Episode 7
On Reasons Morning Are The Absolute Worst
“My body isn’t ready to confront the world until I’ve had at least three cups of coffee, cereal, a nap, and lunch. Then, you can deal with me. Also, getting out of bed is already a struggle enough… My bed is like a warm toasty oven and I’m the delicate flaky pastry inside.”
31. Season 2 Episode 8
On The Worst Things About Office Holiday Parties
“Why do you have to get dressed up to go to a holiday party? Everybody already knows you look like a mess. You’re not fooling anybody cause you wear a velvet tie and you tuck in your shirt. You’re still a piece of garbage. Now you’re just seasonal garbage.”
