The amount of energy it takes for me to get out of bed, it’s unimaginable. Remember the feeling of an all-nighter? It was pretty rough and you just felt like your next burst of energy was light years away and you just couldn’t find the energy to do anything other than the bare minimal needed. That’s what depression is like for some, only worse. It’s almost indescribable.
It feels as if even if you got out of bed, it still would not make a difference. So you stay in bed, you find comfort in lying in the darkness, lying in the darkness because nothing else matters. There’s no outside world, no school, no work, no one that you have to talk to. There is only you, your bed and darkness. Sleeping is ideal during this time because you escape the world for a little while and escaping is the only thing you want. Most importantly, escaping means forgetting about the issues you may be facing in your life. You can ignore yourself. The sad part is that this is only the beginning.
Having a depressive episode is not fun, it isn’t an excuse to get out of doing something and it certainly should not be romanticized. Depression is a reality for not only me, but so many others in the world. I hope I am not alone when I say that when I was told I have depression that I refused to believe it. I refused to believe that I was depressed because I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment or event that triggered it. I just knew that over time I began to feel sad, tired and wanted to just lay in bed. Despite not believing my diagnosis at first, I know that my depression is there. I know it is a part of me. I also know the stigma surrounding mental illnesses like depression and anxiety.
I also know that majority of those stigmas are false but it still manages to creep into my mind and tells me that I shouldn’t talk about this and that I shouldn’t voice the issues I have at hand or how I feel because of fear that how I feel will be dismissed and thought of as "just teenage hormones." It stops me from taking complete care of myself. Honestly, the stigma is terrifying. Instead of being treated as if I have a physical illness that I can't control, it is demonized. People and how they feel are demonized for something they cannot control. People with a common cold aren’t demonized for getting sick, it just happens and people get sick sometimes, and neither should people with depression, anxiety or any other mental illness. We can’t control when we get this way just like the person 10 feet from us can’t help but get sick from time to time.
“Someone has it worse than you.”
“Stop complaining.”
“What’s wrong with you? Be grateful because we’ve given you everything. You have nothing to be upset about.”
“It could be worse. You could have cancer and could be dying.”
These are only a few things I have heard people say to me when I start to go into a depressive episode and some of these I have heard people to say to people who are depressed. Before uttering these phrases that we all hate, remember: we are trying, we did not choose to be sad, we didn’t ask for this and if we could turn depression off like a switch, we would. We are attempting to overcome this obstacle that we don’t have much control over. We are this group of people who, despite the self-hating/depreciating/indescribable negative thoughts we have, wake up every morning with a smile on our face, force ourselves to get out of bed, just so we can live a life that we know we must live.
Please, don’t misunderstand my words. I am not asking for pity, pity is the last thing I want. This minor setback does not make me any less of a person than anyone else. If anything, it makes me stronger. It can make me feel invincible because on the daily when I wake up and say “I can’t” I prove myself wrong when I go to bed and say “I did.” Since I proved myself wrong, I can prove anyone wrong. I don’t want sorrow. Don’t feel bad for me. I can still do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I will succeed every time that I want to.
I want understanding.
We want understanding.
Understand that this is not something we choose to have in our lives. This was a decision of God or the universe, fate or whatever this beautiful individual believes in. Understand that if I could wake up every morning without this, I absolutely would. I cannot help the way that I am sometimes. Just to be even clearer, if I could pause on being sad understand that I would, just make this easier for me and everyone around me in a heartbeat There are some days where I feel on top of the world, unstoppable and like nothing can bring me down and other days I feel this immense amount of pressure holding me down that makes me feel like I am smaller than a grain of sand, the same pressure that makes me feel more than insignificant. Understand that this is not constant, that it is not every day. Depression does not equate to an eternity of sadness, hopelessness and self-hate. Understand that my mood may change, all because of one simple thought. I could be having a blast with a friend one minute and the next looking down on myself and feeling lower than low.
Depression does not change me. It doesn’t make me any less of a human. It just makes me human. It does not make me unlovable; it gives more of me to love. Depression does not define me. Depression makes me understanding, more compassionate to others, because I know what it feels like to hate yourself. Depression makes me stronger in the end. I will say it again: depression does not define me. It does not define anyone living with it.
