The month of July in the Midwest is truly a magical time of year, as if for just 30 days of the calendar year all the stars align to grant nothing but gorgeous, clear skies and 70 degree or above weather. For four weeks, the state of Ohio sees its humble residents emerge definitively from their nearly 11 month slumber to enjoy a glorious period of outdoor living. Bike rides and walks through warm air with distant, savory notes of barbecue leave a sense of pleasant nostalgia day after day.
Yet there exists an undertone threatening the one sure-fire month Ohioans can take as solace—the creepy crawlies, the harmful stingers and biters, and the overall nuisances. As humans have long since used July as an escape from the working-class woes by seeking refuge in the great outdoors, pests from elsewhere in the animal kingdom have also come out to join in on the splendid Midwestern weather.
The realization of this myriad of pests dawned on me as I was rubbing a dense layer of calamine lotion over my calves, which were littered with mosquito bites. Nature isn’t all just the natural splendor everyone’s cracking it up to being. It’s literally dog-eat-dog, and frankly there’s just some ugly, ugly parts to it all. The irony of man’s long-held reign atop the food chain is that, on so many occasions, it’s the smallest of creatures that have a knack of irritating us the most. That being said, I've taken the liberty of articulating the animal kingdom's top five jerks:
5. The Carpenter Bee. This little bugger lives its entire life buzzing haplessly throughout your personal space, in search of anything relatively sweet to consume and regurgitate. The kicker is the state of anxiety it drives into people as it draws near, from the presence of its stinger alone. That being said, not only does it sting you, but when it stings you, half its abdomen lodges itself inside you along with its stinger, effectively killing the bee. This animal literally gives its life to ruin your day. Dick move.
4. The Dolphin. Emerging as a surprising contender in the list of dickhead animals, dolphins secured a spot due largely to their superior intellect. More specifically, rounding fish into small, defenseless groups, where they take turns chomping down on their catch, according to Dolphins-World. Though this isn't terribly awful in itself, as death is a part of nature, dolphins have been known to leave kills untouched and have even been recorded returning to these carcasses for masturbation. Yeah, you read that correctly. Messed up.
3. Pugs. They're that kid in your senior class who didn't hit his growth spurt until a week before graduation at the latest. The dogs compensate for their size, or lack thereof, barking and nipping, and just overall obnoxiousness. Not only are they certifiably ugly with their smushed snouts and stumpy physique, but they breathe like obese asthma sufferers.
2. Mosquitoes. These creepy little guys have a drone and buzz to their flight that is enough to make a man alone in a quiet room slip into madness. Plus, they suck human blood, again designed by the almighty strictly to annoy you.
1. The Praying Mantis. Although an unlikely end to this compilation of awful creatures, the praying mantis secures the very top of the animal-asshole charts. When mating, the female actually bites off the male's head, which triggers a muscle reflex that releases sperm, according to National Geographic. Talk about a hard end to the boys.
So next time you're considering a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood or an all-out camping trip to the mountains, make sure you've prepared yourself to meet all of these jerks!
