On September 20, 2016, the amorphous, sparkling, wine-making, love entity known as Brangelina announced their intent to divorce. Twitter blew up at the news; cries of outrage and fear rang out, and with good reason. The idealized tapestry where love lives was unraveling before our eyes, and all without a single warning from either of their sculpted, pouty lips.
Questions rapidly arose. What about Mr. and Mrs. Smith? What about By the Sea? Were those to be the bookends of a relationship we all thought was endless? Were mere mortals like us, with social anxiety and pores, supposed to accept the fact that what we once thought was epic was just like any other celebrity relationship? And if they couldn’t make it work, what hope did that give us in our own relationships? Needless to say, for the future of love, much like Microsoft Office’s email service, the outlook seemed bleak.
But amid the panic and the fervor, there is a glimmer of hope. Here are four other symbols of love who actually will be together forever, and hope they help carry you through these dark times:
1. Your High School Boyfriend + His Wife
Sure, they’re both 20 and they’ve known each other for 3 months, but they’re definitely going to make it. She seems like a great girl who definitely isn’t part of a makeup-selling pyramid scheme, and he probably knows the difference between “to” and “too” by now, which psychologists call the two most telling signs that a relationship will last forever.
2. Jamie Lee Curtis + Yogurt
Ugh, I’ve never seen so much animalistic sexual tension in my life. Look, JLC’s dedication to helping us keep it moving was admirable, but it pales in comparison to her love of yogurt and we all know it. In 2014, Activia moved on to other spokespeople, but insider scoop tells us that Jamie Lee Curtis still hasn’t been informed. She remains on this couch, carefully spooning out every last dreg, telling the fake camera crew about exclusive probiotics with the level of comfort only longtime partners cultivate. Take one look at this semi-pornographic image and tell me it isn’t true.
3. Donald Trump + Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Source: John Minchillo / AP
The 2016 election has given us perhaps the most beautiful love story of all, and for that I will be forever grateful. No matter the outcome in November, I’d like to thank Donald Trump for his unabashed passion towards himself. It serves as a reminder that if we all have our walls lowered and open - or, uh, raised and closed - love will find us.
Look, I know what you’re thinking: it’s an overdone, stupid joke at this point. We all get it. Donald Trump is a narcissist. But wait, some experts actually disagree or decline to do things like diagnose a public figure with something as incurable as a cluster B personality disorder. To those haters out there, I’ll say this: get out of my country, you love-killers! We don’t need cynics like you, especially not just to feed us lies about Donald Jesus Trump and his iconic relationship. Those naysayers are clearly insecure. SAD.
4. Jennifer Aniston + Laughter
