Dear F**kboy,
Why can't more boys be like you? I don't have a f**kboy boyfriend, I'm embarrassed to admit, but my friends have before and it's seriously #relationshipgoals. Nothing is more romantic than the late night "come chill" Snapchats and the, "Wait, I never caught your phone number" DMs on Twitter. What is better than a message on your favorite social media site from your favorite guy?
I really like that you text more than one girl at once. I need a guy who I never have full trust with, it keeps the relationship fun and exciting. Nothing is more thrilling than grabbing your phone while you're in the bathroom so I can try and read all your texts. It's like a race against the clock — what a rush. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is really loyal so I never get to do this, but maybe you can teach him how to find some side hoes. I know you're good at that.
I also think it's really considerate that you never take your girlfriend on dates. Girls hate dressing up, so any excuse to sit in yoga pants and watch her favorite Netflix documentary is so much better. You also know exactly when to get close and constantly make out with her even when she clearly doesn't want to. Persistence is key, and girls love guys who never give up!
Persistence isn't the only key to a girl's heart, though. You also need to kill it in the confidence department. There is nothing I like to hear more about than your kill to death ratio in "Call of Duty" or how your sports team wouldn't have won the game without your incredible, god-gifted skill. If I am going to date someone, I need to know he is the best at absolutely everything he does -- even better and hotter than me. A plus is also hearing him bash your ex-boyfriend on a daily basis. I need to constantly be reminded that I upgraded, and there is no one better to hear that from than your current boyfriend.
I really respect, too, how you will choose almost anything over your girlfriend. Weed, alcohol, side hoes — you name it — they should always come first. Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean you should change yourself as a person. If you drink beer in your room alone every day, who is your girlfriend to say it's unhealthy? And maybe you just aren't a commitment type person and you like having some friends with benefits to hang out with on weekends. Your girlfriend should understand that. Hanging out at parties every weekend without your girlfriend really shows your friends that you will never let a girl change you — props to you! Bonus points if you bash your girlfriend to your friends, or even in front of her — it makes her stay humble.
Like the brilliant Rhianna put it, "I love the way you lie," and nothing is more reassuring than when you lie to a girl, here and there, just for good measure. If the relationship isn't unstable enough, lies are the perfect way to put yourself on thin ice. And who doesn't love thin ice? It's what makes the Blackhawks able to play hockey and creates romantic ice skating dates (even though you'll probably never take your girlfriend ice skating, another night of Netflix is way more fun).
So, thank you for being you. Honestly, the world would stop spinning without you — but you probably already knew that with your confidence and all. Keep breaking girls hearts and showing the older generations how much better our dating is, nowadays. You rock.
-- J.
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