An Apology Note To Your Sober Self, As Told By Buddy the Elf | The Odyssey Online
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An Apology Note To Your Sober Self, As Told By Buddy the Elf

When you're sorry for ruining your own life...and being a cotton-headed ninny muggins.

Nicole Cullen
Dec 28, 2015
Providence College
1223
An Apology Note To Your Sober Self, As Told By Buddy the Elf

We are all familiar with Buddy the Elf’s apology note to his family…which obviously had to be written on an Etch-A-Sketch. He apologized for “cramming 11 cookies into the VCR” and most of all “for ruining your lives.”

While we might not be able to relate to being an elf who is experiencing difficulty adjusting to the human world, we might be able to relate to making some regrettable choices while intoxicated that make us want to run away from our lives forever.

Dear future me at approximately 1 p.m. tomorrow,

First off, I’m sorry I ruined your life. I’m sorry I fell and bruised your knees and hands and now it looks like you got into a street fight. I’m sorry I spent all of your money on expensive drinks you didn’t need and lost all of your forms of identification. Also, I’m sorry for crying in front of your Uber driver and telling him all about how your ex-boyfriend has horrible standards if he is dating that girl from your English class now. I’m especially sorry for trying to rebound by giving your Uber driver your number and encouraging him to text you -- that was not OK.

I’m sorry for the Snapchat stories I posted of you trying to do Beyoncé’s “Partition” dance on that table, and I am very sorry for posting that selfie with the bouncer of that bar who took away your ID. I can see now that it was a terrible angle and not the most tasteful way to handle the situation.

Most of all, I am sorry for those last few vodka shots. Honestly, I blame them for my decision to walk around and challenge everyone in the room to a dance off. I can’t dance. It wasn’t OK, and I’m sorry for unleashing the most aggressive cabbage-patch/sprinkler routine of all time on a room full of innocent bystanders. They did nothing to deserve it. This might also have also been the source of one of the bruises on your left knee…and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for thinking it was OK to approach that guy from your seminar and asking him if he was a broom because he swept you off your feet. I’m not sure you can ever recover from that one, but I just want you to know that, even though it made him visibly uncomfortable, he laughed.

Finally, I’m sorry for putting Easy-Mac into the microwave without taking the plastic off. And I’m even more sorry that I proceeded to eat the mac ‘n cheese anyway. I did some searching on WebMD, and you might be fine. I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

Not your best self

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