As I watch my younger sister strut into my room and pose in front of the wall length mirror, lifting up her shirt and pulling at the tiny bit of fat on her stomach, I shudder as I remember how poorly I saw and treated my body at 15 years old.
From a young age, I believed that an individual’s weight was the utmost important characteristic when defining one’s worth. I remember watching the TV in amazement when the popular guy fell in love with the “fat friend”. I let out a sigh of relief, thanking God and realizing for the first time that boys could actually love me, a fat girl, someday. I was ten. Reflecting back, I truly cannot think of a time where I felt beautiful.
Carrying my baby fat and this negative mindset with me throughout middle school led to skipped meals and excessive exercising. Weight loss was the only thing that drove me and I told myself that if I was thinner, I would be more valuable. It would not be until I was hospitalized the Summer before my senior year of high school for depression, Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa that I learned the truth. Hating your body will never get you as far as loving it will.
You or someone you may know, may be struggling with self-image. Whether you are quick to judge the reflection staring back at you every time you pass a mirror, feel insecure scrolling through the latest tagged photos of you on social media, compare your body to models wearing your favorite brands, or are simply uncomfortable in your own skin, I wrote this for you.
As you sit down each morning and peer into the mirror before you, what do you notice about yourself? Do your eyes go to the scar across your forehead or to the freckles that grace your skin? Do you appreciate your uniqueness or do you wish you had hair like your best friend or your sister’s eyes? I once heard that nobody has ever seen their own face in person, just reflections and pictures. Some scientists agree that if you saw a clone of yourself, you would not recognize it as you, because our idea of what we look like is so distorted from our actual appearance. Isn’t that crazy? How often are we told by family, friends, and even strangers that we look beautiful, yet shake it off because we have so much self-hate?
The presence of someone else's beauty does not mean the absence of your own. I cannot count the times where I have walked into a party, spotted my beautiful group of friends, and felt my heart sink with the feeling of being sub-par. Being able to feel confident with your self in the midst of other women is a big step on the journey to succumbing to your doubts. It's hard to change your thoughts when you have been accustomed to doubting your worth for so long, but as you pursue a new sense of self, it will start to come naturally. You won't feel inadequate, but will start to feed your mind with positive and reaffirming thoughts.
Contradictory to today’s societal norms, your outward appearance does not give anyone insight to what lies beneath the surface. Your heart, your intentions, and your desires are more beautiful than any number you see on the scale, meal you consume, or size of the jeans you wear. A pretty face means nothing if the heart is ugly. As I went through recovery, I learned that I no longer needed to be driven by weight loss, but by a heart change. By taking the time to reevaluate my past and why I was sad, I learned that it was not about my appearance at all, as there were many deep rooted problems. I was exerting energy into controlling my weight and judging my features when I should have been reexamining my negative relationships and endeavors. After taking care of myself, removing the underlying reasons behind my depression and refocusing my heart on all of the beautiful friends, family, and opportunities in my life, I was able to go about managing my weight in a healthy manner, in addition to accepting my looks.
Learning to appreciate the features I was born with has been the most rewarding decision I have made thus far, as I am no longer fighting with myself, but loving myself. After years of being insecure, I can now say I adore the same features that used to drive me insane. I love my long hair, my brown eyes, my clear skin, my small chest, and my runner legs. Getting dressed up and doing my hair and makeup no longer causes me anxiety, but gets me so excited; yet being able to go get lunch with friends without makeup is even better. Being happy with myself with or without makeup is so refreshing and has made this journey so much easier.
Whether it’s taking the time to sit in a bubble bath and listen to Frank Ocean’s new album or going out on the town wearing a super cute outfit you feel confident in, loving yourself never goes out of style. Keep your life clutter-free, positive, and upbeat. Say yes to random adventures, no to body shaming, and maybe to the cute guy that just asked you out.
Self-appreciation can also be achieved through managing your weight. Every size is beautiful, but if you would like to lose weight, you can healthily choose to do so. Eating well, exercising moderately, and taking care of my body has allowed me to reach a much healthier weight. Instead of using exercise and food to punish my body, I am working to take care of my body so that I can be the best version of myself.healthily choose to do so. Eating well, exercising moderately, and taking care of my body has allowed me to reach a much healthier weight. Instead of using exercise and food to punish my body, I am working to take care of my body so that I can be the best version of myself.
As I continue on my journey to reconstruct my self-worth, I hope you will begin yours today. Your body, mind, and soul are waiting.
“and I said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied, ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.” -Poetry by Nayyirah Waheed
