When you decided to move to Miami, you knew you were going to make a few lifestyle changes. The weather is a little warmer, and the nightlife is a little more exciting. Some people speak Spanish, and your favorite celebrities frequent local hotspots on the reg. All very true. However, it wasn’t until you got here that you realized the North was a poor prep school for Miami life, and your preconceived notions of South Florida did little to equip you for this city unlike any other.
Over time, you began to adapt to the culture and found yourself feeling like a true local, but the truth is, the North will always be a part of you, no matter how long you have called Miami home (or how proudly you yell “305” during any and every Pitbull song on the radio). These are unmistakable signs you grew up in the North, whether it be in the Northeast, Midwest, or Orlando, and currently reside in the in and around the neon Miami skyline.
1. You hate yourself for considering anything below 65 degrees “cold.”
Except it’s actually freezing. Let’s face it, at this point, your blood has thinned, and it’s time to whip out those dearly missed leggings and fall sweaters. You start to reminisce about warm drinks and sitting by the fire and use the snowflake emoji when your roommate who hasn’t left the apartment yet texts the groupchat about weather for the day. God forbid it hits below 50 on a Saturday evening because cancel your plans, Miami is staying in tonight.
2. You’re no longer phased by the random interludes of reggaeton on your favorite pop stations.
You have gone from not knowing who Nicky Jam is to getting irrationally angry when someone decides to play the partial English version of El Perdon. You may not understand all the lyrics the first time you hear it, but you will definitely look them up at the stoplight so you can ensure that actual words will be coming out of your mouth next time 96.5 blasts your new jam. Saga White Black.
3. And on that note, you’ve gotten used to communicating with your Spanish-speaking Uber drivers in your own version of perfected Spanglish.
In your early Miami days, you were only mildly confident using your three years of high school Spanish in general, and there was no chance you would even try to practice that awful accent on all your super hip, bilingual Miami friends. Yet, when getting home before that Dominoes pizza you ordered online shows up at your door depends on your language skills, you and your gringo friends suddenly pull it together to form one fluent human being.
4, You’re the only one of your squad from home that truly understands the lyrics to “#SEFLIE”.
You know Jason personally and also get confused when someone’s Instagram location is at a club in SoBe on a Monday. Forget to check who’s in town to DJ this week? Don’t worry, your friends’ Snapchat stories will remind you that Kygo is in fact at STORY right now and it is indeed lit. No need to FOMO too hard though, your buddy with money to blow just texted you that The Chainsmokers will be at here Friday night, and he’s buying a table. #LIV
5. Your freshly washed Toyota Corolla has nothing on the BMWs, Porsches, and Lambos in the Winn-Dixie parking lot.
Growing up, if you had a clean car in working condition, you might as well be Bill Gates. But then you find yourself driving behind a Mercedes with gold rims and wonder if selling your soul would even cover the cost of the leather seating.
6. You know at least twenty people that have gone to each high school in Miami-Dade, yet you have no idea where any of these institutions are actually located.
Three of your best friends went to Palmetto, your roommate tutors a kid at Gables, that cute guy from the gym said he went to Palmer, and your coworker’s ex went to Columbus, but make no mistake, his roommate is a Belen alum. This might as well be Spanish to you, but you’re starting to get it down.
7. The mom walking her kids to school in the morning is probably hotter than you and everyone you know.
The “Miami mom” fitness phenomenon is real, people. No need to follow an Instagram account for your “fitspiration” anymore, just take a gander out your window and hope that it’s something in the water.
8. Seeing LeBron or Ray Allen at the table next to you at brunch has happened to you or a friend at least once before.
But you Snapchat it anyway because you’re basic, plus no one at home knows how “casual” dining with legendary NBA players really is anyway.
9. It confuses you why anyone would go to a day party that doesn’t involve a pool.
@ friends from home. It just doesn’t make sense. Just postpone it until you have a pool, or better yet, just move here.
10. Your apartment becomes an overbooked hotel during Miami Music Week, Art Basel, and spring break season.
You reside in the coolest place of all your friends. Remember when you used to associate palm trees with paradise? They still do. Your every day life is vacation for them, and your $0 couch rate is truly a steal, even if it’s so lived-in that cotton is starting to come out of the cushions. Plus, you’re a model concierge and tour guide with the best insight on restaurants, cheap beach parking, and nightclubs, not to mention having your promoter bestie always on hand.
11. At first paying more than 5 dollars for a well drink seemed expensive, but at this point you’re grateful if you pay under 20.
Your friend who’s visiting tells you that he finds it ridiculous that his rum and Coke cost him 8 dollars, and you respond with “I know, so cheap right?!” before you realize that no, you are not the drink-special queen, and yes, he does feel robbed. Only three more until his wallet doesn’t even feel the blow of the 16-dollar post-bar sub.
12. Those rare rainy days really mess up your weekend plans.
You wrack your brain for hours what you’re going to do instead of beach day. Venetian Pool? Wynwood Walls? Vizcaya Gardens? Miami Seaquarium? Yoga at Museum Park? Jungle Island? It’s beginning to feel like home when the only options are the indoor mall, movie theater, or local froyo hotspot. Clearly this city wasn’t built to be lived in indoors.
13. If you weren’t an aggressive driver already, you are now.
Time to forget everything you learned in Driver’s Ed when you were 15. It’s a jungle out there on the Miami streets, and the real survivors are all those who make the green light at the four-way intersection. Your former instinct to “slow down” at a yellow light has now transformed into an urge to double your speed, and red lights have unofficially become optional. By now you know that how naïve it would be for you to think that the red Cadillac in the left lane is going to let you know before he merges in front of you.
14. You learned the hard way that it is necessary to carry around a sweater in 80-degree weather just in case you have to be inside for twenty minutes and feel the wrath of South Florida air conditioning.
You’re running late for a meeting, probably still sweating from your morning workout with moisture dripping from places you didn’t even know had sweat glands. At first, the cool gust of from the AC feels like heaven, and in that glorious moment, you whole-heartedly believe that never again in your life will you feel this refreshed. Fast forward to about 15 minutes into your indoor-experience: the sweat slowly starts to dry on your skin, and you gradually begin to feel as if you’re descending into the center of Hell. Soon enough, you can’t wait to escape that exceptionally conditioned air and enter back into the Miami heat where at least you could feel your toes. That is the first and last time you go inside anywhere without layers on hand.
15. All of the females you know don’t even complain about the humidity anymore. Everyone’s hair is either perpetually frizzy or has somehow evolved to cope with the American capital city of potential bad hair days.
You have a personal suspicion that the man bun fad originated here because those men that decided to experience the trials and tribulations of long hair realized the battle with humidity isn’t even worth fighting. The up-do is our only shield until modern science catches up to the problems plaguing the hair of Miami and the entirety of the first-world today.
16. You can spot a Miami native anywhere, and they likewise can spot your alien self as well.
“Irregardless” of the distinguishing nuances of the Miami accent and lingo, you know you stand out like a sore thumb in this seemingly foreign country. Maybe it’s your Chicagoan short “A” or your best friend’s inability to shut up about how good the bagels are back home in Long Island. But if you’re being honest with yourself, it’s probably your ineptitude at moving your hips like Shakira and your local friends that are #blessed with Latin blood.
