IM sports are an integral part of a college experience, and many people play at least one IM sport before they graduate. The IM league is fun, and it's a great way to socialize, stay in shape (sort of), and get your mind off your studies once a week. Compared to D1 and club, IM sports host a much wider variety of people, and this makes games ten times more... interesting. Regardless, we're in it to have fun, right? Hopefully. Anyway, the following is a list of eleven people that you'll most likely encounter in your IM League.
1. The Ball Hog
This person is a classic example of someone who makes sports miserable for everyone else. The Ball Hog grew up with the mentality that they're the best, and they're probably worse about hogging the ball now than they were in elementary school. It doesn't matter what sport you're playing, what object you're using, or if you're actually better than The Ball Hog. In their mind, their plays will always work, and they're always the key player in getting that W. It doesn't matter if you're wide open and they have two people on them, don't expect them to pass to you. They're going to try to spike on the second hit, or shoot a goal from midfield, or go for that unnecessary 3-pointer anyway. Why? Because they can make it of, course! Wait... they missed? They'll definitely make it the next time, have faith... and pass to them as soon as you get the ball.
2. The Ghost (sports version)
Could've sworn you had seven people on your team. You check the roster and... oh yeah! That girl was supposed to be on the team, she paid and everything. She's an IM ghost; she's gone so much that everyone feels her absence like a shadow on the team's integrity. Your team is not flaky! Ghosts will try to save their sorry asses by giving lame excuses, and at the same time, they will try to reassure the team with "Don't worry guys, I'll definitely make it next week." Before you know it, your team's ghost has missed every single game without fail. You even had to forfeit that one time and pay the $25 fee because a few players couldn't make it for legitimate reasons. You guess it's okay in the long run, because your ghost did make the initial cost less, but there's still an unspoken pact created by your team to shun her when you see her in the dining halls.
3. The Fashionista
Oh man, you can see them coming from all the way across the gym. This person has decked themselves out for a thirty minute game of minimal physical exertion (unless you're a try hard, see #4). By decked out, I'm talking crazy high socks paired with straightened hair, makeup (who even puts makeup on for sports? That continues to baffle me), and bright spandex tight enough to suffocate your average pair of thighs. You can't hear your teammates over the noise coming from a fashionista's outfit.
It's not just girls either. Let's talk about neon for second. Neon sports apparel is pretty sick, but the key word here is moderation. Excessive amounts of neon is for raves, traffic cones, and top athletes that are good enough to wear crazy outfits to advertise their expertise. Neon is cool, I admit, but only in moderation. If you're strutting around with your neon yellow shirt paired with electric green running shoes and matching headband, blinding people within fifteen feet of you, you better be a mother-effing IM sports superstar, or you're gonna get judged.
4. The Try Hard
It's good to be competitive. It's definitely not good be overly competitive. When this person plays sports, or does anything that involves a winner and a loser for that matter, they go H.A.M. (hard as a motherf*cker). In fact, they probably have that acronym tattooed somewhere on their body, or they should. Shout out to those 6'2" guys who decide it's socially acceptable to spike on girls a clear foot and a half shorter than them. Be prepared for the Try Hard to be drenched in sweat during the warm-up from pure exertion.
They are the people who yell at or badmouth their teammates when they accidentally miss a layup or screw up an opportunity to score a goal. They are always going to be the ones who have to challenge every single call made against them. And one more thing: they can never, ever lose. It's unacceptable to them. Remember, it's just a game, people. There are much worse things in life than losing an IM sport, so chill.
5. The Cheater
These guys are definitely the worst. Not only is trying to cheat at IM sports extremely pathetic, it just makes everyone hate you. Have some integrity; don't "accidentally" mess up the score in tennis or pretend the ball was out in volleyball. We are all adults now, and we should be fair. Nothing ruins sports, IM or not, more than a cheater.
6. The Stickler
Play by the rules. That's fair enough. But sticklers take this motto to a whole new level. Our sincerest apologies if we don't remember to say the score before every serve, but really? You're going to call us out every single time we forget? When facing a stickler, be prepared to be challenged on everything you thought you knew about your sport. They will have the rulebook memorized all the way through to the index. You touched the net in volleyball?
Stickler: "Oh, I believe that that violates the rule stated in Section A67-B, and we'll have to call for a do-over, if that's fine with you."
You: "Aight." *throws ball slightly away from them so they have to run a little to get it*
7. The Actual Athletes
You already know playing them is going to be hell. If IM Sports had seeds, teams with Actual Athletes would be high in the rankings. Try your hardest, but odds are, the score will be a little to a lot. These guys actually know what they're doing, while you're still figuring things out. You're blessed if you have an Actual Athlete on your team or if you're one yourself. Expect a lot of code words and intricate plays designed to confuse the crap out of you. Although playing them will probably prepare you for future games, it is slightly annoying that they chose IM instead of club. They're almost verging on Try Hard, except everything they do is 10 times more effortless, and therefore 10 times more annoying.
8. The Squad AF
We all play a Squad AF at some point. You know, the matching outfits, the intense cheers and loud high fives, the team pictures before every single game. They might take the team image a lot more seriously than the actual sport, so playing them should be a breeze. On the other hand, they might be justified in being extremely spirited, because you've stumbled across a tight crew of Actual Athletes. It's really hard to tell at first, but definitely observe them in the warm-ups. Hashtags on their social media accounts include #squad #kissmyace #getthatW #ballin #ballislife and #goals, for those punny soccer players.
9. The Clueless Kid
When playing soccer: "Hey guys, did you see me score that touchdown?" When playing basketball: "Yo, sweet 4-pointer!" And my personal favorite, when playing frisbee: "Ball is life!"
They're on your team either because you like them and you forced them to be there or because you needed an extra player last minute to save your team from forfeiting. Just don't pass to them. They'll probably score for the other team.
10. The Potato (aka The Try Never)
These are the people you're going to want to target if they're on the other team. The opposite is true if they're on yours. Exerting themselves is not on their to-do list, now or ever. Was that ball theirs? Yeah, but they ducked, or just stood there as it went sailing right next to them. Why aren't they getting those? Because then they'd be exerting themselves, duh!
Why they're on the team in the first place probably has to do with the fact that all their friends are on it and they'd be bored sitting alone while everyone else was playing. That, or the fact that a lot of hot guys (or girls) play the IM sport they're in and they want to be near that hottie... hotspot? Anyway, they couldn't care less about which team wins or loses, and they're basically a lost cause, because they refuse to put any effort in. So, essentially, they're potatoes. You can't expect a potato to catch a ball. Potatoes don't have arms.
11. The Sore Winner/Loser
The Sore Winners are a total pain in the ass, and every league will have them. My advice would be to let them do their little victory dances and live it up now. Let them roll around like pigs in their glory. I know it's disgusting to watch, but you'll look like the far bigger person if you just keep your head up in the face of obnoxious winners and in-your-face-ers. Karma will get them eventually, or that squirrel with rabies that you let loose in their dorm room after your team lost will. Whichever comes first, right?
But in all seriousness, they'll get beaten eventually. And when they do, they'll turn into the second variety of "sore" players: the Sore Losers. Sore Losers won't shake your hand at the end of a game. They'll blame the loss on anything they can think of to save face. It was the wind, the noise in the gym distracted them, they weren't wearing their lucky shirt. Whatever it is, just remember that you won fair and square (unless you're a dirty cheater) and their moping shouldn't affect you in the slightest.
Now, go forth and enjoy the IM experience! You will face many challenges and meet all sorts of people. Good luck to everyone playing this quarter. I'll be on the Dodgeball team "The Underdodge" and the Volleyball team "Sets and the City."
