"When you're fighting a mental illness, you're fighting a silent/constant battle and no one ever sees just how hard you are trying to fight."
I've never really been one to express my anxiety disorder unless I am extremely comfortable with you but I feel like it might help me to speak out. My anxiety keeps me from enjoying things as much as I should at my age. For years, I have thought I was different and I am. But, that is not necessarily a bad thing -- even though I do have bad times.
Anxiety is putting on a smile even though you feel like you're completely breaking down on the inside. Anxiety is feeling your heart physically hurt. Anxiety is being tired even when you actually sleep a lot. It's not that your body is tired. Your soul is tired. Anxiety is not one specific thing. It is a plethora of actions, thoughts and emotions that rip you apart on the inside and out.
Although I am a very loud and energetic person, I am far from having it all together. I may say stuff like "Oh my gosh look how cute my hair is" or "Doesn't my makeup look good today?" but my brain actually makes me believe the farthest thing from it. I don't like myself.
I am my own worst critic, but I am working on it.
Most people wouldn't see me as the person to stress myself out so bad to the point I'm screaming and crying to the point of exhaustion. Most people wouldn't believe that I have made myself so upset that I physically cannot breathe because I've worked myself up too much. Sometimes it is the littlest things that set me off. But, it happens and this is my life.
From the time I could remember, I have always been extra emotional.
Growing up, I started to think it was because I was the youngest child and ended up being the last one in my dysfunctional household. But, boy was I wrong. As I got older, my emotions got worse. It's like every year, my attacks decide to throw something new at me and I get more destructive to myself. I have always thought I am a freak because I am extremely different than other people, especially because they will never understand it. I don't blame anyone or anything for why I have anxiety and panic attacks, I just do. It happens, it is not uncommon.
One thing I have learned over the past year is that it is okay to ask for help but the right help. Telling me to "calm down" or "push through it" is the worst thing you could probably tell me to do. I've always wanted to hide how I feel because I didn't want to be judged for my irrational thoughts. It seems as if just a few years ago, it was more of a taboo to talk about mental illnesses. Now, they seem as an up and coming topic that people should definitely be aware of. I know there is going to become a time where I need to look for more professional help, but I need to take little steps. If I do not take little steps, I would stress myself out into a breakdown.
It has taken me years to realize something that I think everyone should know. YOUR ANXIETY DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. ANY MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You are beautifully amazing, despite what you believe your flaws are (they're just your battle scars). It will eat you up inside. You will have your good days. You will have your bad days. But at the end of it all, you are alive and breathing. If someone asked me if I could take my anxiety away, would I? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean I don't recognize how much it makes me a fighter.
