Growing up, I had always struggled with the cliche playground bully and I had trouble trying to meet other people's expectations. Being constantly made fun of and never feeling like my best was good enough, it really dragged me through the mud.
As time went on and the bully's voice turned into my own, I sank into depression and developed anxiety issues. I criticized myself on a daily basis to the point where I cannot pinpoint any time from the age of 12 to 18 where I did feel comfortable in my own skin or when I enjoyed being myself.
This mentality did not just hurt myself but it did affect those around me. It's not fun to hang around with someone who is always sad or puts themselves down almost every five seconds, so I did not really have a reliable friend group. I was always the back up plan or the pity invite, I guess you could say. I never felt that my presence was genuinely wanted, people would just feel guilty if they didn't offer.
I still struggle with depression and anxiety and I try my best to find healthy ways to cope and be able to have a positive outlook on things. During my Freshman year of high school, I did not imagine myself making it to see my Sophomore year of college. Adjusting to a whole new phase in life was very difficult because I was not sure this is what I wanted. But, I'm here now and I have to go through with it.
I am enjoying it, I do love the people that I have in my life, I love my major, and I love my school and the campus activities that I'm involved in. But it is very hard when I constantly catch myself thinking "You are just the pity invite" and I have to try to override this mentality that I have built up for so many years by then thinking "You are fun to be around, people like having you around."
Bad habits are not easy to shake, but one of the biggest phrases I say to myself is "It could be worse" and it has certainly not just helped me stay humble but it keeps things in a healthy perspective.
I may be having a bad day, but it could be worse. Instead of stressing over how much homework I have, I could be stressing about my living situation or how I am going to make ends meet, but I am not in that situation and for that, I am grateful.
I could be struggling with making friends in class, but it could be worse because at least I have the money to take this class.
I could be dealing with a depressive episode, but it could be worse because I can afford the help I need to get through it and I have a loving and caring support system on campus.
But I do not let this dismiss my feelings or the events that occur in my life. It is okay to feel bad sometimes, but you cannot let it consume you. It is okay to worry sometimes, but you cannot let the stress haunt you as you lay in the dark silence of your dorm room. It is okay to have a mental illness, but you cannot let it destroy every positive aspect of your life.
"It could be worse" has helped me understand myself a lot better and cope in a much healthier way than the alternatives that usually occur with depression. By changing the way I think, getting the help I need, and gaining the confidence to realize I deserve a healthy life, my group of friends had changed for the better and I started doing more things that I wanted to do in order to be happy. I stopped trying to please other people and focus more on how the choices I make, make me feel. I started by saying "it could be worse" more often.
