Let me start out by saying that I was previously 100% against the idea of “breaks” in a relationship. My rational was if one or both individuals decided that they couldn’t be together for any amount of time, then they should not be together— end of story. Yet here I am, taking a break from the best relationship I have ever been in with the man that I love.
When I first started dating Michael, I knew that he was what I wanted and needed. He is honest, respectful, protective, loyal to a fault, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, goofy and, above all, he is my best friend. You might be asking yourself why I would let this perfect, dreamy man slip through my fingers, but bear with me for a bit longer. Backtrack to a few weeks ago, before we embarked on this path, and you would see where we were having some problems. No, we weren’t fighting, and neither of us were cheating. Actually, we were doing wonderfully, but our relationship dynamic changed in a way that really threw us for a loop; we began (seriously) talking about our future. It was the real deal: these were the hard questions, the questions that we might not even know the answers to yet, and the questions that really determine whether two people are compatible for each other, including topics like marriage, children, careers, goals, wants, needs and family. Yes, it might have been too early for us to talk about these things because, honestly, we have a lot of time, growing and changing to do before any of these are going to happen! But what came out of these conversations weren’t just answers; it was the realization that we were unprepared for a serious, long term relationship because neither of us could concretely answer some of these questions.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that we didn’t want a serious relationship; it means that we have priorities that are higher on our list than a serious relationship, which is a healthy and normal mindset for people our age. In the last few stages of our relationship, we both unknowingly took a huge step back in our roles as the significant other to the point where neither of us were fully happy. Since we are both in school, we struggled balancing all of our duties as college students with a serious relationship. With the looming responsibilities of our education, the extraordinary task of figuring out who we are and what we believe, and the beautifully arduous choice to be in a long term relationship, neither me nor Michael could successfully balance all three. We took this break so that we can learn about ourselves as individuals; so we can discover who we are, where we fit in the world and how we want to live. Then, sometime in the future, we can rekindle the love we have for each other and start anew with a better understanding of ourselves and one another.
Just as there are right reasons for taking a break, there are very wrong reasons as well. If you decide you would like to explore the idea of a break with your S.O., be prepared for some opposition because breaks have a really bad reputation, especially among the younger generations. I’m not sure what the reason is behind other people’s prejudice for breaks, but I will go ahead and assume it’s along at least one of these three lines:
- Breaks are just a coward’s escape. I am sure we all knew that couple in high school that broke up about every other week because of some small dispute that they couldn’t find a resolution for. Surprisingly, a lot of people take breaks in relationships to avoid dealing with a pressing issue or to end an argument that got out of hand. This is not the right way to do a break.
- Breaks are for people who want to cheat, but don’t want to get in trouble for it. A.K.A. the kind of people you should not get back together with. These people want to date other men or women, but don’t want to lose their current S.O. for good, so they “take a break” to do whatever they want without consequence. This is definitely not the right way to take a break, either!
- Breaks are for people who get tired of their S.O. but don’t want to admit it. I have personally never encountered this particular kind of break in my life or in others, but it was a big fear of mine when I was against breaks. I mean, I know I can be pretty annoying, but to the right person, it’ll be cute… Right?
These are scary things! I don’t blame people for believing the worst about breaks because we hear the bad side of them more often than the good. Your friend who takes breaks every few weeks from her toxic relationship, your parents who regularly need breaks from each other in order to not kill one another or your best friend who swore off the opposite sex after a break-gone-wrong: they all contribute to the false stigma that breaks are for poisoned relationships that just need to end. In reality, breaks can be the healthiest and wisest decision you and your S.O. ever make. They can offer time to grow, time to focus on other things that take priority or time to give you a chance to really reassess your life and make sure you’re in the right place yourself. I’m not saying you can’t do these things while in a relationship, but sometimes if you do too many things at once, you won’t do any of them well. The great Ron Swanson said it best…
If you want to take a break, talk it over with your S.O.! Figure out what works best for you both, and do not let anyone else try to dictate what your break will look like.
