For those of you who want to better yourselves in your relationship, or if you are just cruising this website, I offer up my advice in hopes that it can possibly benefit someone. I am not a perfect and doting girlfriend and am still learning something new about relationships every day. However, between two serious relationships, a healthy amount of hook-ups, heartbreak, and a Tinder date under my belt, maybe I have some valuable advice.
Relationships are emotionally taxing, irritating, and inconvenient at times. Relationships are also formative, inspiring, and lovely. Today, I’d like to lay out the ten guidelines for a healthy relationship.
1. Compromise
When you’ve been in a healthy relationship for a considerable time, your compromising skills will be equivalent to that of a U.N. Ambassador, because you do it every. Single. Day. There is a tremendous complexity to compromise that is an integral part of any relationship, because inherently, a relationship is two people with different identities and experiences and expectations. You will never be on the same page all of the time, or most of the time, so mutual willingness to sacrifice and compromise is key. It exhibits your willingness to invest in and improve your relationship.
2. Do Not Keep Score
One of the most dangerous things you can do in a relationship is keep score. Love is not a bargaining system; you absolutely should not tally up the things your partner does wrong, nor should you think that you shouldn’t text first because you “started the conversation last time.” The only thing that it accomplishes is resentment and frustration. Just don’t do it. Remember, they could easily do it to you. You make mistakes in the relationship just as often as the other person does. Don’t throw stones in a glass house.
3. Forgive
Following the “do not keep score” rule, you must learn to forgive your partner for their misgivings. Even if they burp in front of your parents or hesitate when you ask “Do I look okay?” and you want to punch them in their beautiful face, forgive them. We are all human.
And when you forgive them for making a mistake, actually forgive them. and do your best to not hold onto your anger.
There is a caveat to this rule: if your S.O. is verbally or physically abusive and then tries to apologize afterwards, do not forgive them. Leave them. They do not deserve your mercy, and you do not, under any circumstance, deserve that.
4. Support and Encouragement
No one wants to admit or reveal their flaws and insecurities. Certain aspects of your personality that you struggle with are an ongoing battle. When you date someone, you begin to see them authentically and wholly, flaws and all, and that is where the test to your relationship begins. You both ought to encourage each other to conquer those insecurities, and support each other when it’s difficult. Now, let me be clear -- you cannot change the person you’re dating. You can only help them. The sign of a great relationship is when both are challenged into personal betterment by the other and are earnestly supported along the way.
5. Dumbledore Says: No Romanticizing Allowed
Romanticizing is a terrible habit and a fraudulent dream. It’s easy to do when you doubt your relationship, which will happen, but you must avoid it at all costs. Whether it’s romanticizing past relationships (“You know, when Allie and I were together...”) or romanticizing the potential future, it is a dangerous game that is not worth playing. Do not compare your current relationship with past loves. Romanticizing distorts the present and it makes other situations seem more appealing, causing imaginary dissatisfaction with the actual state of things in your love life. It’s unhealthy and, as Albus Dumbledore brilliantly said, “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live" [i.e. worship the ground your girlfriend walks on].
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Of course, it goes without saying that you cannot be in a healthy relationship if you don’t respect yourself. That is common sense. But I am talking about a different kind of respect; respect for your S.O. and every decision they make. You must respect that person’s emotions, interests, and career, and vice versa, no matter how ridiculous you think it is. This is particularly important to me, because I’m getting my undergraduate and Master’s degree. If the person I date can’t see the validity and importance of what I’m dedicating my life to, then he can go f...ind an accountant.
7. Thank You
Saying “thank you” is an aspect in relationships that is sincerely underrated. Did your boyfriend help your roommate move a bookshelf? Thank him and buy him some Pringles. Did your girlfriend edit your essay when she had other homework on her plate? Thank her and tell her she’s a genius. Sincere acknowledgement and gratitude goes a long way. On a larger scale, appreciate the person you’re dating. Appreciate the qualities they have that you lack, their honesty, their intelligence, their kindness towards others... the list can go on if you look for those positive characteristics. It’s so easy and tempting to find the negative in anyone, but fight against that and remind yourself why you’re dating this person in the first place.
8. Be On the Same Page
When you first start dating someone, you establish a set of guidelines, and when problems arise, you meet those guidelines again and adapt them to what life has thrown you. Every so often, revisit those guidelines. Are the two of you on the same page about infidelity? Sex? Spending money? These conversations can be tough, but they are integral to a healthy relationship.
The next two guidelines are the most important.
9. Self-Worth
A break-up renders you horrifically lonely, and although you don’t want to think that it’s a possibility, you must keep your friends close and have some boundaries with the person you’re dating. This prohibits you from getting your self-worth from one other person. What matters is your value outside of the relationship. Do not, under any circumstances, compromise your self-worth and potential for someone else, no matter how much you love them. You must respect and love yourself enough to not be whisked away completely. Speaking from the personal experience of having lost myself in a relationship, when/if you break up, you will feel like a shell of a human, like an abandoned house with rotting lumber and broken windows. Do yourself a favor and preserve your self-worth outside of the relationship, and do not give it to someone else for the taking.
10. Communication is King
No, not key, king. Good communication is the reigning monarch of a healthy relationship. If you have trouble communicating with your partner, either muster up the ability to confront them or expect to feel miserable and isolated all the time.
You cannot hold your S.O. accountable for information they do not have. If you do not tell them how you feel or what is going on in your head, they will never know. They will continue doing whatever it is they’re doing because they assume nothing is wrong. If you don’t talk to them when you see a problem, you will just silently resent them, which doesn’t make any sense.
Do not insinuate or beat around the bush. Present your thoughts and feelings clearly. Don’t expect the other person in the room to read your mind. Think through what you want to say. Sometimes, it helps to write your concerns down so that they’re organized. Write them a letter if you must; just remember that hesitation and ambiguity are not productive when talking to the person you’re dating.
“Do you understand where I’m coming from?” My boyfriend has heard this phrase a million times, because in an argument or a tough conversation, both parties must be able to understand the other’s feelings about an issue, even if they don’t agree.
It’s healthy to argue. Arguing demonstrates friction, and friction causes growth and maturity. Arguing also shows that you care enough about each other other to fight for the best relationship you can have. It is a huge part of communication, because you understand how to best talk to your partner in a time of distress and anger.
I do not believe in soulmates, and neither should you. Love does not just happen to you; it’s not like someone slips a glass slipper onto your foot and now you’ll be in a perpetual honeymoon stage. It is a choice that you make every day. I’m not trying to strip romance from relationships, because that’s an important part of them too. However, romance is not what makes a relationship last. What makes a relationship last is the commitment to loving that person through the difficulties and mild irritations of life, not confessions of love in the rain on a boat (looking at you, Nicholas Sparks, you South Carolinian idiot). Love is the driving force of any relationship, but honesty, communication, trust, and compassion keep it going.
My last piece of wisdom? Don’t take ANY advice from Cosmo.
