Why does everyone like Spring?
The groundhog didn’t see his shadow? OMG! What the hell does that mean? It has only happened 18 times over the past 129 years. Apparently, it means there’s going to be an “early spring.” I’m just highly skeptical of that fact. It’s all a publicity stunt. We all know that. OK, moving on. This piece is not about groundhogs. I’m sorry to burst your bubble. It’s actually about an even more controversial topic. “What’s more controversial than groundhogs, Noah?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Just about anything is more controversial than a day devoted to a stupid groundhog, but what I’m going to talk about is why the season they predict is the worst of the four.
Spring sucks for a multitude of reasons. The first being that it is way too wet. Who in their right mind actually enjoys the millions of gallons of rain that ruins almost every outdoor event imaginable? Don’t tell me that the baseball season would be less enjoyable if it started in late May/early June. We’d just have to get the MLB to negotiate with the NFL, NBA, and NHL to scoot their seasons back a bit? I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem! I love watching football in the snow, anyways!
Another thing I hate about spring is simply Cinco de Mayo. This is a holiday of lies, people!
“Oh, Cinco de Mayo! That’s Mexico’s Fourth of July, right?” said every basic white girl ever.
“Wrong!” said me and all the learned people of springtime events.
Cinco de Mayo is a day of American ignorance, but it is also the day commemorating the Mexican army’s victory at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862; NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. That’s in September during the summer. Too bad no one knows anything about your country’s history. But, don’t worry, I’ll be celebrating with you guys later in the year. Viva la Independencia!
I say we also add three phases to the whole season of spring and call them “semi-seasons.” That whole cold and awkward time in March when you’re settling into your house at about 6 p.m. at night because you know nothing is going on around you because the weather is the most unpredictable thing on the face of the earth, and if you tried to forge it, you would probably end up ruining some article of clothing you own just because of how unbearably crappy the weather is outside. That phase can be called, “Pre-Spring” or “Cold Spring”.
The next phase, called “Wet”, is when it is always 50 degrees followed by torrential downpours outside. This is the main course of spring when everything you hold near and dear to your heart gets moist at some point. This occurs in April. All of April. We should just rename April to “I Hope You’re Ready for Some Rain: The Month” because it is a time of wetness and sadness.
The final phase should be called “Emergence”. It is the only positive point of spring that occurs during the first two weeks of May. Flowers arrive. Rains leave. It’s amazing. Except for one measly little detail: Bugs. That’s right folks, you thought that there wasn’t going to be something to be upset about, but you’re wrong. This is the time when the creepy crawlies and the buzzy bees come back to make everything miserable once more. And all you have to do is hold out another five months before they all go back into their holes.
If you're anything like me, I am sorry for you. Spring is coming, so stay strong soldiers. There are ways to deal with coping. I’ll be putting out a “How to…” on dealing with spring sometime soon. Until then, prepare yourself because the worst season ever is coming.
