I lay in bed at night with nothing but the gentle glow of my night light shining below me. I have been trying to sleep for hours now, yet it seems that the weight of the world on me holds little room left for this. It is silent. Well mostly silent...

I hear the light breathing of my roommate and the gentle fan blowing beside my head. I hear the little creaks that our apartment makes as any home may make. But the heaviest sound I hear in the silence of the night are the loud voices that run through my head without caring about the effects they are having on my sleep.

Even when I start to fade into what I wish was a solid sleep, the voices in my head, putting terrifying pictures to the sounds, are a stumbling block to any sense of actual rest. I wake up in a state of total fear and sweat, lying there yet again in the silence of the night. The silence that has the underlying screams that won't go silent at all. What feels like a silent night turns into the reality of a night lacking exactly that.

For most of my life I have struggled with nightmares. They are not just those scary nightmares that wake us up every-so-often though. They are recurring, long-lasting, never-ending, and torturous dreams that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to escape.

This year, I do not want to let these nightmares continue to consume me. I am working on being open about them, so that I have people there with me to love me through these times. I also am giving them over to God. (1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.")

After my most recent nightmare, I just sat silently in bed for a while. I was listening to hear what God had to say, trying to clear my mind of all other thoughts or emotions running. However, I did not feel peace. Honestly, I just felt thankful that I was able to have some quiet time with God. Maybe that was all He intended me to get from this time spent with Him. And all I need to know is that God heard me. I have faith in that, and I have faith that He can do what He wills through my prayers.

I wish often that I could just sit physically with God. I wish that I could feel His arms hold me, and tell me it will all be okay. I wish that I could hear and see His response immediately as we do with other conversations that we hold with people. I wish that I could sleep in the silence, rather than wake to horrifying nightmares.

I know that God shows up in special ways in our lives, through our time with Him, and in the Word. However, sometimes it is hard to remember when we have that desire to feel His loving presence. One day I have hope that this will happen, and until then, I will continue to trust in His power and His purposes (Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future").

Even in the silence of the nights, I know that I have hope in Jesus.

This week's challenge for you and myself is to find some quiet time with God. Spend an hour just thanking Him for who He is, and all that He is capable of (even if you don't feel like He is currently present in your struggles). He will hear you, and He has a plan for you and the pain you are going through. He gives you hope in the silence!