Dear anyone who knows me;

I know.

My anxiety isn't easy to deal with.

I know it makes you uncomfortable because you don't know how to deal with it. You don't know how to make me feel better all the time. Sometimes no matter what you do, you can't pull me out of my mood. It's irritating, not only to you, but to me too.

Believe me, when I'm in a mood like that, I'm battling with myself in my head too. My thoughts circle around each other, ranging from "you're being stupid!" to "why are you doing this?" to "they think you're being stupid." and everything in between. These thoughts get loud, as if my brain is screaming at me to knock it off and keep it up at the same time. Because to my brain, the threat I'm obsessing over is very, very real.

But I've said all of this before. I've talked it over with you time and time again, until you're probably sick of hearing about it.

But you stay by my side regardless and don't make me feel bad for it.

You tell me you love me and are here for me no matter what.

So I want to say thank you. I know it isn't easy or desirable. I know when I panic you internally roll your eyes and sigh. Because you cannot see what's going on in my brain, and it's impossible to completely understand. But I really appreciate you trying.

To my boyfriend, thank you.

Thank you for pulling me closer when I get quiet and for forcing what I'm thinking out of me. Thank you for reasoning with me to calm me down and for telling me it'll be okay in the end.

Thank you for allowing me to cry on your shoulder....a lot. Thank you for smiling at me and grabbing my face in your hands. Thank you for looking me in the eye and telling me you're here for me, and that you love me.

I've never met another person who deals with my anxiety so well. Other people in the past have turned around and walked away as soon as they see the first glimpse of what my anxiety can do to me. You're different though, and I could never show you how much I truly appreciate it. You're gentle, kind, and have patience with me that I truly need and crave. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm so glad I did.

To my parents, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been as open and honest about my anxiety with you. I've hidden the extent of it from you because it's not an easy thing to open up about, to anyone.

You have seen me in some of my worst moments, and I wanted to explain to you that sometimes my childish behavior is due to my anxiety, and I realize it's childish. I'm working on it, but I also acknowledge my need to explain it to you both so you can understand.

Mommy, I know you struggle with stuff too. I'm sorry my anxiety sometimes makes me selfish and unable to focus on your needs as well.

Daddy, I'm sorry I haven't told you really anything about my anxiety and how it affects me every day.

I'm sorry I haven't turned to you in the past when I was struggling with it, mostly because I was trying to figure out myself, what I was dealing with, and why.

I also wanted to say thank you to you both, however, because I know you're always there for me despite my behavior sometimes. You two love me unconditionally and look out for me, even when I might not realize it. You two have been amazing parents and have taught me that I can be open and honest with you about anything, and because of that, I don't feel nervous or afraid to discuss this with you in the future.

To my friends,

Not many of you know the extent of my anxiety because I don't talk about it as much with many of you.

It's not an easy thing to talk about. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and sometimes downright crazy. But the cool thing about you guys is that you take me for who I am, flaws and all.

Many of my past friendships contributed to my anxiety today. So I want to say I'm incredibly thankful that I was able to find the friends I did, who will stand by my side no matter what happens.

I want you to know that I appreciate your help with my anxiety, even if you didn't know it was my anxiety at the time. It's not always a panic attack, sometimes it's avoidance, anger, or just spacing out. Your concern and inclusion has led to a safe space for me around you all, and it's incredible.

Although I have other people in my life that help me with this, knowing you guys are there means the world to me and always will.

To anyone else, please be aware that many people close to you suffer from mental illnesses silently for fear of the backlash they may get from you. Many have had their illnesses dismissed and undermined because "it's all in our heads", but please know what we're feeling and what we're going through is very real, and very difficult to manage.

Mental health is important, but so is the support system we surround ourselves with. Being there for your friends, asking how you can help, and giving them the care they need makes all the difference.

Finally, thank you to anyone reading this letter, because you're either affected by mental illness yourself, or you're trying to understand the thoughts behind someone you know and love that does. You're more important than you realize.

Love,

Me.