With the passing of mothers day, I just wanted to give some advice to those of us who don't have a great relationship with their mothers. Those of us who, yeah, sure, had a mom that was present in our lives, but not how we really needed, and to those of us who maybe were close to her when we were kids but as we aged realized that, in reality, we don't really have anything in common.
Everyone has a different story, a different reason as to why we didn't post on Facebook or Instagram a picture of our mother with some cheesy caption. Maybe she isn't present and never was, maybe she passed, or maybe she never existed in the first place (shout out to the double dads out there). I want this to be for everyone out there that didn't wish their mom a happy mothers day.
To begin, I didn't always have a bad relationship with my mother. In fact, my mother is very wise, I quote her several times a day, and often think "what would mom do?". She's very strong, very powerful. She raised several kids that were not even hers, to begin with. But with me, somewhere along the lines, I was lost and she never bothered to find me. I tried reaching out and was always burned. I lost count of how many times I was kicked out of the house, lost count of all the fights, lost count of all the screaming matches, the tears. Really, who would count? When I was little, my mother worked late. I remember forcing myself to stay awake and sitting on my window seat because I just wouldn't go to bed without her kissing me good night.
I can give you the exact year it all started to fall apart. Just when I needed her most I was more than just forgotten about, and was forced to do something no 6th grader should ever have to do.
My senior year of high school, my English teacher, Mr. Nusser, gave me a few heart to hearts. In one of them, he told me that one day when I get older I would have a better relationship with my parents. That same year my therapist told me its okay if I never did.
I tried. I really did. Because, who wants to give up on their parents?
You ever open up to your friends and their reply is, "at least you have a mother!", "She's your mother! You have to love her!", or "She does those things because she loves you!"
My sister seems to have figured it out. They get along great. But every time I have tried, when I tell her secrets or ask for advice, when I want to go out with her or when it comes to my boyfriend, it always turns into a fight.
I haven't lived at home for a year and for a while things seemed to have got a lot better! If you noticed though, I didn't wish her a happy mothers day. Because things are not better and honestly, things probably won't ever get there.
So this is dedicated to all of you who know.
If you have a mom that is not present because she chose a different path, a mother who abandoned you, a mother that left you, a mother that failed you, a mother you just can't seem to get along with, a mother who is just so distant, or if you were the one taking care of her while you were growing up instead of the other way around, this is dedicated to you.
And I have some advice for you;
It's okay to not actually like your mother. It's okay to not talk about her. It's okay to move on with your life without her. It's okay. It's okay to feel how you feel whatever the reason is for why you feel that way. Just remember to forgive her. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Your life is your own. Your future is your own and even though she is a part of you, you create life on your own and you create your own art. So keep moving forward. Don't be jealous of everyone who has a great relationship with their moms, don't let anyone tell you anything and don't let anyone tell you how you need to feel or how you should feel.
Don't forget to thank the other kinds of mothers in your life. The friends that took care of you when you drank way too much at a party, the friends that fed you, clothed you, housed you, the friends who're family felt more like home than yours ever did, the mother of your bestie that held you when your boyfriend left, or to your friend who just had a baby, postpartum is real. Because they deserve a thank you too, not just on mothers day, but any day.
Most importantly, just keep keeping on.
If one day you do patch things up with her, that's great! But if you never even send her a postcard on Christmas, that's okay too. Just remember to take care of yourself too. Because it's okay, it's not at all selfish to not have a good relationship with your mother and if yours is at all toxic like mine, it's okay to not involve her in your future. It's okay.