This is a list of changes that I would put into place immediately if I was the chosen overlord of the world. Full disclosure: I'm pretty sure that, if I was in charge, our world would descend into fiery chaos and I fully understand that 75 percent of the things on this list are unreasonable and impossible. Regardless, here are a few changes our world needs:
1. Free checked bags. It's not that I'm a heavy packer, it's that I'm lazy and I really don't want to carry a bag around the airport.
2. Vegetables should be cheaper than candy. I eat a lot of candy. I eat TOO much candy. I like to think that if vegetables were cheaper than candy I would have more incentive to pick up a carrot than a Snickers.
3. No cellphones until you're in high school. The importance of having to call your first boyfriend's house phone and talk to his mom before you're allowed to have your ridiculous giggly conversation cannot be overstated. Being constantly connected can wait until you're older. Until then, live in free bliss.
4. No social media until you're almost done with high school. I have seen the social media accounts of 12-year-olds and I do not like it. My own social media from middle school and high school are included.
5. Tan-colored leggings. These are horrifying and must be stopped.
6. Gyms. I want to work out and be in shape and healthy. I do not want to be trapped in a fluorescent-lit, rubber-smelling hell with men who look like they could eat me then go right back to squatting 800 lbs. There has to be a better solution for my need to exercise.
7. Actors are millionaires but teachers aren't? I don't know the solution but fix it.
8. Regular commercials at the movies. Now is not the time, Lexus. I want to see a preview for the 100th "Die Hard" movie, please.
9. Speaking of which, why is it $10,000 to go to a movie? Stop that. It should cost me under $10 for the movie, the popcorn and Milk Duds. It's not like I'm paying to have all the actors come and give an in-person performance.
10. Photoshopping. Unless you're putting Nicolas Cage's face onto something, stop Photoshopping and creating all these insane societal standards. Seriously, no one really likes seeing women who look like flawless aliens.
11. Breakfast served all day. I don't actually understand why it isn't at some places, but I would make this point a priority.
12. Lifted trucks. Unless you work in the wilderness you just look like an idiot. Stop it. Stop it right now. I don't need to see your 8-inch lift kit on I-5. You look ridiculous.
13. Lowered trucks. Are you very small? Do you not like taking big steps? Do you wish you were Fred Flintstone? Why have you done this?
14. Truck modification. If I see flames on a truck, I will set it on fire.
15. People who are rude to waiters. This is my biggest pet peeve and also one of the great mysteries of life. You people will have no place in my society and will be politely asked to leave forever.
I could make this list go on, but these are my top priorities.
