An Open Letter to My Rapist,

Because of your lack of self-control, you took so much away from me. I was 19 when you violated me. I was 19 when I thought I could trust my coworkers. We were just having drinks and playing games, that’s all it was supposed to be. Drinks and games. However, you couldn't keep it that way. I had ONE drink. Just one, and I was helpless.

Because of you, I woke up in pain. I woke up in my home covered in dirt. I woke up with cuts everywhere and ripped clothing.

Because of you, I was ashamed. I was ashamed of the people I thought were friends. I was ashamed of myself for thinking I could trust people. I was scared. I was scared to tell my family, so I just went to work. I was only at work for 20 minutes before I began to get sick and pass out. What did you do to me?

Because of you, I spent the day in the hospital with two officers outside my door. I spent the day crying and watching my family cry for me.

Do you even know what you put me through?

I was so scared that I moved out of the state. For a year I woke up in tears every night from the nightmares I would have that you’d find me. I cut the scars you gave me over and over to try to remember what you did to me and I couldn’t. For a year I was put on medication. At this time I was 20… what is a 20-year-old doing on military given PTSD medication?

2 weeks after you took everything from me, you had the audacity to try and call me. How dare you.

Its now a year and a half and you still continue to take from me. This time you took my ability to have children. The trauma you caused to my body internally took away the chance to be called “Mommy.” Took away something most women dream about; a family.

Because of you, I am still on medication. Because of you, I can no longer trust the people surrounding me. Because of you, I still wake up in tears with anxiety.

However, because of you, I can openly share my story with others. I can tell them that as hard is it may be, you can overcome it. You will survive.

I survived.