To the “man” that raped me,

Mayo Clinic defines PTSD as “a disorder characterized by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.” You were my terrifying event and no - I did not recover.

Let me start out by saying that by definition you are a man but that is most certainly not what a man is. A man is respected and treats women with respect, you did no such thing for me. A real man would never commit the acts you have committed. A true man would have never stood next to me like nothing happened just nine days later. A man would never have spoken to my parents like old friends just nine days after. A real man would never rape a woman.

I have known you for quite some time now. I remember knowing you when I was young and when you were nothing more to me than an acquaintance. As I grew up, you and I began to travel in the same circles. I spent many days with you alongside my other friends and enjoyed the memories we made together. You were someone I considered to be my friend.

Then came the day. The day I learned that everything I had ever been told about rape was untrue. Growing up I was always told that rape was the victims fault. That it could have been easily prevented by a change of clothes or better decision making. Today I know that this is so far from being accurate. Do you remember what I wore that day? I do. I was wearing a long sleeved black and red shirt and shorts that were a size too big and hit a few inches above my knee. Nothing racy or provocative. Just normal clothes that to this day, I still cannot wear.

You took something from me that day. Something more than just the pleasure you got. Something so much deeper than what you actually stole from me. You took away the smile on my face and the skip in my step. You forced me to hide in my room and push people away. You took away my stellar student status and had me question my existence. You took my own body and made it not my own. That is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. You made me look away when I would pass a mirror. You took away my identity that day and replaced it with a stranger I had never met before.

"You took my own body and made it not my own. That is something I would not wish on my worst enemy."

For months I walked around not knowing who I was. You knocked my world off its axis and then left me to hold it up. It was hard to keep my life in order. You made me feel like there was a load of bricks sitting on my chest. The pain you caused me clouded my brain until my thoughts were suffocated. Drowning in myself was all I could do. Unable to walk around on my own or even sit in the darkness, my life withered away. But each scratch and bruise left on my skin was a battle scar for me. Scars I now see as motivation to do better and that I thank you for.

I bet you’ve now conjured up a response for when people ask about the dents in the wall. I know you probably won’t want to tell your friends the truth; that those dents are from you slamming my head into the wall. Same goes for the door handle you broke to get to me after I tried to hide. I’m sure you’ll never tell anyone about that. As for the scratches and scrapes left on your door frame as you dragged me off to hurt me- I am not sorry. I hope you think of what you did to me each time you pass by them.

As I mentioned before, I have not healed. I have coped, but I have not healed; just as injuries heal and scar tissue remains.

And for me you are just that, scar tissue. A lesson in trust and choices of friends. An experience that I will use to help try and heal each and every other victim out there. A strong fear of guns and blurry memories is all I will retain in my mind of you.

You should know that I owe you absolutely nothing. You may have gotten the biggest free pass in the world but know that I pray the guilt eats at you. I am done with you but God is not. I pray each night that you never do this again. I pray each night that you will receive healing, because no one in their right mind could ever do this to someone.

I have forgiven you for what you did to me but I will never stop wondering why you chose me. I am a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” theory and I choose to hope that I will one day see this as a positive. If I didn’t choose to have a positive outlook I may not still be here today. I am choosing to make the best of a bad situation and I plan to do so much good with the pain that you have caused me to endure.

"I will never stop wondering why you chose me."

My parting words to you are just this; you may think you have broken me but that is SO far from the truth. You may have caused a tragic event with effects that are now hardwired into my DNA; but I wouldn’t change that. Because I am a stronger woman now than I ever was before.

Sincerely,

The girl you turned into, the victim