After going through the darkest, most depressing month of my life, I felt a hole in my heart, mind, and my being. A part of me felt black, empty, and gone. It was such a hard time that I had to force myself to stop thinking about it, because obsessing had never helped me, though it is something I always do. Once I stopped obsessing, the thoughts began to fade, and control over myself increased.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. Somedays I cry just from the fearful thought that I’m hiding a part of myself. Some days I can’t be alone out of fear of where my thoughts or mood will roam, while some days I have to run away from the anxiety of being around people and completely seclude myself.
I almost didn’t write about this topic, because:
One, it’s personal vulnerability, and
Two, I don’t mean to put my readers into a dark subject.
It’s true that as a society, we don’t like to discuss the hard stuff, and that people often don’t want to spend time reading something so harsh. This should not be a reason to avoid a very important topic, especially one that often encourages us to repress or hide any feelings or thoughts excluding positivity and happiness. It was never hard for me to be open with others about what’s bothering me, and I truly appreciate that trait. Appreciating what I was already proud of myself for began a positive path toward becoming okay again. Appreciating the parts of me that were still there, bright, and positive led me to filling the emptiness again.
No one should go through certain circumstances, and it’s ignorant to say “that’s how life is,” or “you just gotta stop overthinking,” because some things in life should never happen to anyone.
But for me, I don’t necessarily wish what I went through never happened because of all it taught me:
Despite the direction the thoughts in my mind sometimes lead me to, I’m strong enough to see good and happiness in life.
The thoughts I’ve had have led me to the most poignant conversations with friends, family, and my support system, showing me all the wonderful people I’m lucky to have.
How awesome it is that people I know who pass me in halls will stop and talk to me seriously about their lives as well as mine.
How grateful I am for my best friends, who with every laugh they give me, makes me love life and appreciate these moments.
How grateful I am for having parents and a sister who encourage openness and offer advice when I need it most.
Being sad doesn’t last forever. I live for even the shortest amounts of happiness I experience.
I’d rather question my emotions and life and be sad sometimes as a result, than be blindly positive and going through the motions 100% of the time. That’s not realistic. That’s not anyone’s reality.
If I can fight through my depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorders while being a full-time college student, I can fight through anything I will approach in the future.
If you disagree, that’s what makes our world even more diverse and interesting. We all cope differently, but we all have hardships in common. If you’re going through an especially hard time, try to remember what your experiences, sad or joyful, have offered you as a result. Try to see what positive effect your feelings have had on your opinions, conversations, relationships, thoughts, even your writings and art. Not all may be good, and this is not easy for everyone to feel, but there has to be at least one healing aspect as an effect of any dark time. And it can always grow to more throughout time.
