October 10th was World Mental Health Day. I want to use this opportunity to shed light on the great number of hidden diseases and stigmas surrounding mental health.
One of the biggest challenges of having a mental illness is finding a solid support system. Because your immediate family gets a first-hand look at the effects of mental illness on your life, they are pretty good at staying by your side. Unfortunately, friends and even extended family are a different story, especially when they're young. They genuinely can’t understand why you can’t help but act a certain way or do certain things.
I can’t tell you how many people ditched me when I had sunk to my lowest point. Can I blame them? What teenager would want to hang out with someone who spends half of the time washing their hands? Who wants to go to a family gathering when you have to filter trigger words out of your vocabulary? Why stick by this “crazy” person’s side when you can be with someone who certainly will not have to leave a place early due to a random panic attack?
So to those people who abandoned me when I most needed them, I say this:
The word “friend” means something to me. It is not an adjective, but a title that I regard as an honor. I trusted you with my deepest emotions, only to find you gossiping to your friends about all the weird things I did in my OCD routines. I remember people whispering at school, even teachers, wondering why I got “special treatment” in my classes. Why does SHE get to pick who she sits by? Why does SHE get to come late to class? Sorry, I personally would’ve loved to feel comfortable around random people or come to class on time, instead of having a breakdown in the middle of the hallway.
Even worse, I blamed myself for your lack of compassion, and that only instigated my anxiety and depression. All that time I thought I was tainted. Damaged. Insane. You led me to believe that no one wanted to be around a person in my state. And I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not being able to act “normal” (as some people would say to me). I felt like a repellant, like a viral outbreak that wiped out everyone near us. Even my parents’ friends stopped calling and visiting. Neighbors stopped waving. Teachers and coaches stopped caring about my progress.
You should feel ashamed of yourself. I know that this was so many years ago, but I do hope that you have been able to mature. I always wonder if you ever think about us or the way our friendship ended. Do you ever regret treating me the way you did?
I was going through the hardest thing I ever had to experience, and you left me with no one to turn to besides by two parents. I thought you had my back, but apparently that only worked when it was convenient for you. Friends are people who go out of their way to help someone. You did indeed go out – you just never came back.
But I also want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me how friends should act. I’ve learned not to waste my time on people who aren’t willing to put effort into a friendship. I know what to look for in new friends and what I value with current ones. I’ve learned to love myself, flaws and all, because I now know that flaws build character. I also avoid disappointment by knowing not to have high expectations of others. Thank you for showing me my own strength and courage, especially when I need to be strong all by myself. I had no choice but to attempt recovery alone, without a cheer squad on the sidelines. I now know that I can make it through just about anything, and it’s no thanks to you. You forced me to change, and I am truly grateful for it.
Love,
A person who is proud to be a mental health survivor
