WARNING: There may be triggers in here for people who have anxiety and panic attacks.
So, I am going to talk about a topic that is often hard for me to discuss. Especially since it concerns something I am very insecure about: my own mental illness. This article really stemmed from my most recent panic attack, which, by the time this article is published, happened last week. It had been almost 2 and a half months since my last panic attack, and I was left wondering if the ones that had happened previously were just my imagination, or if the stressor that had caused the panic attacks was gone. I'm still relatively new to having panic attacks, even though I have had anxiety for almost four years, so figuring out how my own anxiety works is still something that I am working through. It took me a long time to realize that I had anxiety. Which may be surprising when you have finished this article, but the only way that I can explain it is that anxiety is something I dealt with everyday. I didn't think it was abnormal because I had always been told that I was just being "shy" or that "stress is normal for your age". Anxiety was never clearly explained or used as a legitimate reason. Which is another reason why I am writing this article.
And before I continue, I would like to elaborate on a few things. Some people could have anxiety their entire lives and never have a panic attack, but that doesn't mean their anxiety has less value than those who do have them. No mental illness is ever the same across the board. Because everyone's mind works differently, so why should everyone's mental illness work exactly the same? And that is the greatest difficulty I have had with my mental illness. I keep comparing myself to other people. Saying things like, "Well, that person does this when they have a panic attack." or "This person acts like this when they are having a depressive episode, so why is mine not like their's?". This reason this paragraph is here, before I even talk about what it is like to have a panic attack, is to warn people who are being diagnosed or starting to deal with mental illness that this is not universal. My experience is not the same as another person with anxiety. So don't be scared away if your experience doesn't match up. What you are feeling still matters, because you matter.
To begin to describe having a panic attack is really difficult because I feel like there is no singular word or phrase that could describe it. Sometimes there are warning signs for me, because it may have been caused by a stressor (which may not always happen). Physically, I may become more jittery, my hands will shake, I jump at movements and sounds. Sometimes voices and loud noise feels like someone is scraping my eardrum with a knife. My heart may start to race along with my breathing. The initial feeling is like someone punched has punched me in the gut, pushing all of the air out of my lungs.
Some of the first signs for me mentally may be thoughts of escape, especially if I am around people. "I need to get out! I need to get out!" is a permanent loop in my mind. Often, when I am having a panic attack, there is only one thought going through my mind at any time, if any thoughts at all. While I am dealing with this inwardly, I may be zoned out or silent physically.
The actual attack itself is even harder to explain. To begin, the only thing I can say is that there is a feeling that I have no control over my body. I don't choose to suddenly have a panic attack, I don't choose what my body starts to do during the attack, it just happens. And it always feels like there is nothing I can do to stop it. A total loss of control. My body starts shaking violently, like tremors moving through my entire body. And then comes the hyper-ventilating. This honestly is one of the worst parts for me, because I can't control my own breathing, something that we don't even have to think about naturally. And no matter how deep the breath is, I can never exhale as deeply and catch my breath. I've hyperventilated so hard before that I have gotten headaches that almost made me pass out. Which is why if I am capable, mentally, I try to count. [Counting is when you or someone else counts from 1 to another set number, such as 10 or even 100. If someone is counting for you, you repeat the numbers back to them. This forces you to focus your mind, while also helping to exhale and return to a normal breathing rate.] Counting is a good coping mechanism, if it works for you. As I said previously, everyone's anxiety and mental illness is different, so you will have to find coping mechanism that work for you.
While the hyper-ventilation is happening, I curl up tightly into a ball, usually with a pillow, blanket or something other object caught tightly in my hands. I can't really explain why I do this, other than the fact that I need to hold onto something, anything to make me feel that I am still here. When I am having a panic attack, my surroundings kind of disappear. Visually I can still see the walls, the floor, furniture, but I don't comprehend it. I can't focus on anything because I'm trying desperately to stop hyper-ventilating, to stop sobbing, to stop shaking. To get back control of my own body, because I can't even speak when the attack is happening, I can barely do anything beyond shaking my head for a 'yes' or a 'no'.
The most recent panic attack was different for me than previous ones I have had, because someone was there for me. In previous ones, I was alone, either because I had isolated myself before the attack started, or because no one was around to see it. My roommates and I were in our beds, trying to sleep, but I started to feel the shaking, the desire to escape and get away. So as quickly and as quietly as I could, I left the bedroom and shut myself in the bathroom, turning on the water so no one could hear me. Because, for me, panic attacks are a sign of weakness that I never want anyone else to see, especially those I care about. I was in the middle of the attack when my roommate asked me if I was alright from the other side of the door. I couldn't talk or communicate in anyway, so eventually he opened the door. With his help, hugging me, reassuring me, and counting for me, I was able to finally gain control of my breathing and shaking. The best part for me is when I can physically uncurl, which often puts a strain on my muscles. Though I wasn't able to talk over the next couple of hours, my roommates talked to me, made me smile and laugh. They made me feel closer to 'normal'. And I have never been more grateful in my life that someone was able to help me back from that state.
Talking about this is never easy for me. Even typing, I am finding it hard to get the words out and my hands are shaking. The experience is horrifying and extremely traumatic. Panic attacks and anxiety are not easy to 'hide' or pass off as something else. I can cover up my depression, most of the time. Panic attacks, at least for me, can't be smothered or hidden behind a blank face. Which is why I wanted to write this article. So people can know that they are not alone, that what they are experiencing is valid, and not just stress or a part of their imagination. So please, if you have ever experienced something like this, talk to someone, or research coping methods. Don't try to hide it like I do, because I regret it deeply.
Please, be safe and know that there is someone there for you who can help you through this. It may never go away, but with time and help, it may become easier to deal with.
