A lot of people assume that depression is something that just makes you sad all of the time. I have people tell me all the time that it will pass and to "just quit being sad." I really wish that it was that simple. I have chronic double depression. This illness is something that cannot simply be "fixed," and I cannot suddenly start being happy. I am upset constantly because I feel as though I cannot enjoy the things I once did. I feel anxious around large groups of people when I used to be comfortable around a crowd. I also second guess my relationships with people because I think they get annoyed with my constant state of negativity. I realize it is a lot to deal with, but I try every day to be better and to move past it. However, some days, this just isn't the case.
One of the ongoing pieces of advice I am given is that there are so many other people suffering in the world and that I should be grateful for having the life I do. Why should I be sad when there are other people who don't have homes or who are going hungry? It isn't that I'm not grateful for the things I have. I can't help this chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my depression. I know there are so many people who would love to have the life I have, and I am very grateful for the things I have. I live with this illness like so many other people live with other physical illnesses. Mine is just psychological.
When I talk about my illness, a lot of people in my life tell me not to talk about it because it will ruin my chances at a job, at friends, etc. However, I am tired of the stigma surrounding mental illness! I already feel bad enough that I have it, and I feel as though something is wrong with me. I do not need others trying to keep it quiet and being embarrassed over it. I feel as though we, as a society, need to talk about mental illness so that we can all learn about it and how to treat it.
Suicide: Whenever anyone hears that word or that someone did it, they immediately go quiet or they say it's selfish. I don’t see how someone who is so consumed by a mental illness that they feel the only way they can get relief is to end their life could be considered selfish. Maybe their family did not take them to get help. Maybe their medication is wrong. Maybe they are seeing the wrong counselor. It could be any of these things, but it is never out of selfishness. I have been there multiple times. The thing that always brought me back was how much it would hurt my parents. I did not want to do that. So I got help. However, because I have chronic depression, I still get to that low point sometimes, but I push past it. I will not let it get to me again.
Physically, depression is really hard on you. I often feel as though there is a 50-pound weight on my shoulders and chest. I feel as though I am on the brink of tears when I go through an episode. I am not sure if that is the medically correct term, but it is the one I used to describe when I have a time period where I am depressed. I started sleeping 16 hours a day, and I never went outside during the episode I went through last March. I still sleep a lot, and I still feel the aches and pains, but I am trying to push past it. I have a dream and a life that I want to live. I don’t want to fall victim to this illness, again. I know that I will always have it and will always have to manage it, but I feel as though it will not beat me. I go through high points and low points, but with the right counseling and surrounding myself with the right people, I know I can make it through this.
If I had to tell anyone who is struggling with depression or any other mental illness, it is this: Find what helps you. What helps me is thinking about the future I envision for myself. A lot of people recommend exercising, praying, writing, etc. It doesn’t matter what you do (unless it is negative and harmful to you or anyone else) as long as it makes you happy, do it. I also surround myself with good friends and family. My two best friends live far away from me, but we still talk all the time. If I didn’t have them, my fiance or my parents, I probably would not be here. It is important to find what makes you happy and what helps you through your hard times. During my hardest times, a quote from my hero, Anne Frank, comes back to me: “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” I now have it tattooed on my shoulder.
Be kind to yourself. You are pretty great.
