Yes, I have depression.
It's not just something you can necessarily get over. Depression is something that feels like it consumes your entire being. It could be your best friend or your worst enemy, and most of the time it's your enemy. Imagine waking up every day having this weight on your body, and you can't get out of bed because of it. You get super sad at times you should be happy with the life you have built for yourself. You try to be happy, but you can't. It is a constant dark cloud. You see it when you wake up and when you go to sleep. You're lucky if you can even fall asleep when your mind is racing all the time.
It's like your brain is the NASCAR racetrack. It feels like your brain won't stop connecting things to one another. You could have one little thought in your head, and your mind could literally crush all of your hopes and dreams with it. Your mind is full of 'what if' and 'if I don't do this' types of scenarios. Therefore, it makes you unmotivated and not wanting to do anything with your life. It's hard for you to care even when you want to care so much. It's like a parasite. It wants to make you unhappy.
People used to tell me it was all in my head. Well, guess what? It really is. And sometimes it's hard for me to control. I can't necessarily help that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that lacks the will to get excited or to be happy most of the time. Even with medication, it doesn't necessarily help all the time. You have to find other ways to deal with it. It used to eat me up so much that I wouldn't go to school. I was afraid to go to school because I cried every single time I woke up. I didn't want to do music anymore. I had gotten so depressed that the one thing that made me happy didn't make me happy anymore. I was in a very dark place for a long time. I didn't want to sing, I didn't want to learn. I had no motivation to do anything with my life. I wanted to go away. I wanted to end it all. I became very suicidal and it became harder and harder to deal with the pressure of what people thought about me. I thought I was a freak when really my mind was playing tricks on me.
To be able to get yourself out of that situation or the fact that you have to go through life with depression means that you are honestly the strongest person out there. I know that this sound cliche, but the depression does get better. The older you get, the more you will figure out how to deal with it.
I've been on medication for it, I went to therapy, and I started making myself write what my thoughts were during my episodes so that I could maybe understand what happens to me whenever that happens. I finally figured out something.
I had a problem, and I wasn't dealing with it. Now I'm dealing with it.
Yes, I went to therapy. Yes, I went to a psychiatrist to get treated for my depression. No, I am not ashamed of asking for help. It is OK to ask for help. I have this mental illness where every day I have a dark cloud looming over me, and I try to find some ray of sunshine through the blackness. It's really hard to acknowledge that you have depression, and this is what it's like.
You never know who might be suffering. But you know what? I put on my clothes just like anybody else. Even with depression, I am no different than anyone else. I have my bad days. I have my good days. So far, there haven't been as many bad days.
I fell in love with my music again. I became joyful about singing again. I'm happy to go to school now. I have a man who loves me for who I am. I have more friends than I could ever imagine. I work two jobs and go to school full time.
I actually enjoy my life.
For anyone dealing with depression, please just know that it really does get better from here. I never thought I would be the person I am today. I haven't won the war, but I am victorious today.
