There is a pretty common misconception that exists in today's society: Mental illness isn't real unless it has a visible effect on your life. When I get physically sick, like a cold or the flu, people say to me “go home, you look sick.” It’s written all over my face, with my skin pale and my sinuses swollen, its apparent to anyone who sees me that something is wrong. But depression usually doesn’t work this way. Most of the symptoms are not visible to the outside world. My nonvisible depression symptoms are literally in a constant loop of tears at the verge of falling, my body aching, my mind running a million miles an hour and hurt worse than any cold or flu symptoms. But I don’t get a go home sick pass when these debilitating symptoms arise on the daily.
Living with depression can be tricky to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves. Most of it is interior and manifests in ways that can be easily mistaken for something else. I get a lot of people calling it “laziness,” when I struggle to get out of bed or get to places on time. So, if you somehow still manage to get out of bed on a regular basis and get dressed, hold a job and do normal daily tasks, then people struggle to believe you’re hurting. If you laugh and smile, and on the outside look “normal” then you don’t have depression. But someone can easily be depressed even if they don’t struggle to get out of bed.
Depression has many forms and affects each person very differently. I can only speak to my own personal experiences with depression, but what I can tell you is that more often than not depression is not visible, and the result of this is most people don’t believe you. To most, I am a seemingly normal college student. I attend class and work full time, I live on my own and hold a long-term relationship with a great guy. Most days I don’t seem sad, but of those most days you’ll never know I’m drowning in my depression and have contemplated suicide in the past.
People seem to think depression is only complete and utter misery, that involves a lot of sulking, crying and staying in bed.They think this because these things are noticeable, and they need to see it to believe it. But depression is not just sadness.
Depression is portrayed in movies, music, and books. It’s talked about in articles like these, all over social media and noted in our high school health textbooks. But the reality is depression is not what is defined by the DSM-IV outlines, and most definitely not how WebMD specifies. Depression is not the chronologically ordered lists of symptoms that define chronic sadness. The real reality of living with depression is everything and nothing all in one, the debilitating pain of constantly wondering “when was the last time I felt, even just okay?” It is the lives of many seemingly normal humans on the outside who struggle because of what’s on the inside.
Depression isn’t always suicidal thoughts and deep sadness, sometimes it’s just that everything seems harder.
Most of the time I just feel heavy. Waking up in the morning often consists of setting multiple alarms, and snoozing all of them. Sitting up or rolling over feels like a train running me over. Depression is often dragging my feet. I hear a lot of “Pick up your feet, I can hear you dragging them.” Depression often causes metaphoric weights nailed into my ankles. Depression is why I am always late. Depression is yawning, exhaustion, and hunger, or a loss of appetite. Depression is procrastination. Depression is extra-long showers, extended periods of sleep, or extended periods of no sleep. Depression is wanting to drink away the pain. Depression is tiredness, sadness, boredom. Depression is headaches, nausea, and body pains. Depression is staying at home. Depression is the reason I can’t get myself to go out with friends anymore. Depression is the reason that as you reach for the water across the nightstand, it seems it only gets farther away and you just give up. You’d rather be thirsty than fight the depression demons. Depression is picking at your plate but eating nothing. Depression is the pit in your stomach and the ringing in your ears. Depression is thinking every little mistake is the end of the world.
Living with depression is not just DEPRESSION, either. It comes with many alterations to your life and perception of yourself.
Imagine waking up in the morning to this aching in your heart, so painful it feels as though it's dropped from your chest cavity into your stomach. Your body is throbbing, becoming a pain that has overcome your mind. It doesn’t matter what you have planned for the day, it all seems difficult. The entire world looks black and white through the lens of the depression. Whatever lurks beyond the door of the bedroom doesn’t feel safe, so that little voice in your head persuades you to stay in bed. You say to yourself, just 10 more minutes. The 10 minutes turns into 30, and then 50, and before you know it, it's suddenly dark outside again. Multiple times you attempt to reach over to grab your phone or get out of bed but it just hurts inside and you can’t. Just pushing yourself up to turn off your alarm makes your insides clench with discomfort.
Later that day you get invited to go to a movie theater with your friends. You’d imagine what fun this night would be, but can’t rid your mind of the weight that is holding you back from attending. After an hour of contemplating to go or not you, you finally pull back the covers of your bed. To most, this is just a procedural step of getting up in the morning and preparing for the day, but for you, it's 6:00 pm and you haven’t left the comfort of your bed all day. That, “whoosh” of the blankets being pulled back is an instant shock to your senses that you’ve exposed your fragile self to a cruel and demanding world. The cold air that rings past you feels like a thousand needles pinning you down. You still manage to sit up, but swinging your legs over the edge of the bed feels as if you’re carrying dumbbells around your ankles. You stay in the shower extra-long, making yourself late. Doing your makeup, you look in the mirror and wonder why you can’t just be satisfied with how you look. You sulk over yourself sulking and get so frustrated about how sad and pathetic you are but it never goes away no matter how hard you try. Now that you’re already 20 minutes late to meet your friends, your tire goes flat. Every little thing that happens seems like the end of the world. Seemingly normal issues or occurrences that happen to everyone and anyone, seem like they’ll never be resolved.
Sitting in the theater, the movie comes to your favorite part and you prepare to laugh, but nothing comes out. You want to force your vocal cords to push out the “ha ha” like they’re supposed to, but still nothing comes out. You look to your friends to see if they’re laughing. Turning your neck in their direction, you’re surprised to see a tunnel of vibrating distance between you and your friends, they appear to be sitting 6 chairs away even when they’re right next to you. This image plays over and over in your mind and you feel so alone because you realize you’re the odd one out. You can’t even force yourself to laugh.
Once the credits close, your friends stand up and walk towards the door like it was so effortless to release from their seats, while you’re still frozen to yours. Everyone else in the theater stands up and walks around, frenzying with their peers about how amazing it was. Conversations continue all around you, as you stay silent. Your friends are waving to you, and the lights turn on. As the world passes you by, you sit there unable to move. And soon you realize you’re the only one still in the theater, alone. Depression is feeling like you’re in a constant state of paralysis. You scream for help, but no one listens. You stand there cold and helpless as passerby’s do nothing, and you’re forced to lift yourself even though you can’t.
And then you wake up and do it all over again.
Depression is real, and despite what most people think even if you can't see it, it exists. Depression is serious. Most of the symptoms are painful and cause a struggle in daily life, but can be handled. If the symptoms intensify and do become suicidal don't hesitate to contact someone for help. I know personally depression is hard to overcome and live with, and it isn't just sadness as most consider it. It isn't just an excuse for being lazy.
If you know of someone, a friend, a family member or you are in need, please don't hesitate to call
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline can be reached at: 1-800-273-8255
