I always see articles about "Growing Up With An Older Brother." Having an older brother, I click on them to see if I relate to any of them. Except I never do. Do you know why? Because they have lists like, "They'll always have your back!" or "You'll always have someone to protect you from boys!" Well, I'm about to show you what it's really like to have an older brother.
This is my older brother, Eric. He's got three years on me and never let's me forget it. He's been the biggest pain in my ass for 20 years; even though Mom tells us the first time he held me he shook with excitement and went "Aww!" Let me share with you a list of the "joys" of having an older brother over the years.
1. You used to buy me beer, then rat on me to mom about drinking. Every time.
2. You'd tell mom I was drinking even when I wasn't. It was 8 o'clock on a Tuesday and she believed you when you said I had a bottle of red wine on my night stand.
3. You cut mom's expensive curtains when you were 5, blamed me, and didn't fess up for 10 years. I was trademarked as a liar for half my life because I said a dog must have bitten it. We didn't have a dog at the time.
4. You got away with everything when you were younger and now, because of your bad behavior, I'm watched like a prisoner. I go to the store for tampons and mom thinks I'm on a drug run.
5. You gave away/sold all my stuff. Bike, guitar, Playstation. Now I'll never be Taylor Swift and I can't play "Spyro the Dragon."
6. You use to beat me up until one day I learned how to fight back. Remember when I punched you because you took my journal? Don't forget it.
7. When I was 1 you used me as a goalie for indoor hockey. Mom caught us before you could shoot a puck at me. I had a pacifier in my mouth, but at least you put a helmet on me.
Now I don't want anyone to think it was all negative growing up with an older brother. He might have beaten the crap out of me, but I still got him back a couple times. We were still able to have some laughs and get into trouble together. Him and I are so much alike that we always butt heads, but we're always on the same page.
8. We once made a dumb waiter go to the upstairs so we could pick up our toys more efficiently.
9. We look so much alike that we can pass as twins -- which benefits both of us. I can look 23 and you're still youthful.
10. We gang up on mom and can do impressions of her very accurately. She laughs like Mr. Krabs from "Spongebob," I swear.
11. I use to do your book reports for you, but I can't cook like a chef like you can -- so we're even.
12. We have a mob-like system of borrowing money. We both turn into Liam Neeson from "Taken" if one doesn't pay the other back. "I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you."
13. Every time I ask you for boy advice you always, without fail, respond with, "You're going to be a millionaire anyway. Don't waste your time on boys; focus on the money." Which is a lot more helpful than you'd think.
14. We kept each other entertained. One time mom put us in time out and forgot about us for two hours. It would have been boring alone.
All in all, your siblings are one of your most important family members. When you're older, they're the people you're going to be spending holidays with. Their kids will be like your own. You're stuck with them. You may not be able to choose your family, but I got lucky with mine. I love having an older brother because it gave me someone to look up to. I love you, Eric -- even though you're a jackass, you're still my day one.
