College can be a fun time, an exciting time, and a stressful time. We want to join as many extracurricular activities as we can, while still getting good grades and working on the side to make a few extra bucks. With these hectic schedules, we can hardly find time just for ourselves, and sometimes that can be harmful.

This is how I was obliviously overcome with depression and anxiety in my sophomore year of college.

It started out with my RA job. I was new at this occupation and was pretty clueless by the time I was on call for the first time. I lived in a reckless building where we had to document incidents almost daily. I would dread every night I was on call, and not in a playful way like my colleagues did. It made me feel sickknowing I was responsible for the residents' safety and well-being for the entirety of the night.

I didn't know that this wasn't normal. I thought it was a regular way of processing stress.

Additionally, I overloaded my classes for my first semester, and I got involved in a theatre production my second semester. Both of these took an enormous time commitment. I lost lots of sleep and parts of my sanity in the process. Sometimes when I had a large amount of work to do and the idea of my responsibilities were breathing down my neck, life would seem to be going in slow motion. Yet, I always felt rushed and anxious. Alas, I still ignored it.

Why did I bombard myself with so much work and such a demanding job? One word: money. I took the RA job because it reduced my annual tuition by $10,000. That's extremely important as an out of state student. If I didn't have this RA job, I wouldn't be able to attend this school. I also overloaded in classes because I felt pressured to graduate on time, or even early. My scholarship only lasted eight semesters, and I didn't want to pay an enormous amount of money to stay in school for an extra semester. The pressure of saving as much money as I could was a constant burden.

I didn't realize it at first, but I had several destructive habits when I was depressed and/or anxious. Whenever I was stressed or overwhelmed with work, I picked the skin at my face. I would do it at night and when I woke up in the morning it looked like I was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos. Everytime I visited my dermatologist, she was so confused why I was "breaking out" so much, even though I was using very good skin products. I wasn't aware that it was me.

I also got in the habit of distracting myself from my work, because I wanted to escape the inevitable responsibilities that layed before me. I switched around my sleep schedule where I worked for a few hours, took a nap, then worked again. This was not during the day like a normal human. This was at 3 am. There was a week where I only had five hours of sleep in four days. It was not because of my work load, but it was because my body did not know how to relax or rest anymore. I would just lie awake, paraoid that I till had work to do. I sometimes thought, "It would be so much easier if I died tonight, because then I wouldn't have to worry anymore." I didn't know how to manage my time or get out of the exhausting cycle that I had trapped myself in. It was becoming dangerous.

Lastly, I ate to relieve stress. If I felt anxious or depressed, I ordered Chinese food or calzones from a local store around midnight. This happened in the second semester. I didn't realize how harmful it was to me. In about three months, I gained 12 pounds. I was oblivious of the reason because I was in denial.

I sometimes considered talking about my issues with someone else but I always had that thought in the back of my head: You're problems aren't worth listening to. Plenty of other people have it worse than you and they're handling it better. Why can't you pull yourself together?

I thought I could handle it. I thought I was handling it. It wasn't until this summer where I looked back on that school year and realized what a mess I was. I was in such denial that I didn't see how destructive I was being to myself. But now I know to always take a moment and aske myself, if I'm okay.

If you are to take anything away from this article, take this: Your problems are important and they are valid. Do not feel guilty for talking about them or not being able to handle them by yourself. Always seek help and be observant of your own behaviors