Mental health issues are a major crisis facing today’s universities. According to a survey conducted by NAMI, up to 73 percent of college students have experienced a mental health crisis. However, most of the time these crises are ignored; most of the students report that they did not let their school know about their crisis. Due to the stigma, most of these students probably also felt as though they were not able to talk about it publicly. I would like to take a step to give these stories a voice. Here are 10 stories from real college students, both at Duke and beyond, about their experiences with mental health issues.

To all who submitted: thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story. You are not alone.

Trigger warnings: mental illness, cutting, rape, eating disorders

1. "I'd spent finals week either crying or just completely catatonic.”

I was diagnosed with depression during Winter Break of my sophomore year. Prior to that, I'd spent finals week either crying or just completely catatonic. The next semester I was able to talk to my dean and only take three classes, plus get set up with a therapist and psychiatrist. I was so scared to tell people though, so worried that my friends wouldn't understand or that they wouldn't want to help, that I just didn't tell anyone. It really hurt my friendships because I wasn't putting myself out there anymore, and they didn't know why. I was really really lucky to have understanding professors, so I was able to pass my classes even when I could barely make myself attend class. Things only started to get better for me once I got a handle on my medication and I started telling my friends and opening up about how much I was struggling. They were really supportive and helped me get back on my feet. Even a year later, I still struggle a lot, but having their support has made it more possible.

2. “I was always the type of person to call mental health issues a privilege.”

I was always the type of person to call mental health issues a privilege. I believed that true strength was in fighting to take control of your mind and choose to live and to enjoy life. As my time in college went by, my physical health and my grades declined. I went to student health my sophomore year, and the doctor suggested that my issues stemmed from mental health problems and then had physical manifestations. While I was abroad the first semester of my junior year, I hit a new low. I have had low points before. Ninth grade was a literal hell on earth for me. My abroad trip didn't take me that low, but it was too reminiscent for comfort. By the time I came back, I was not eating at all. I never left my room. I would lock myself in the bathroom stall for hours. My relationships with my friends and family suffered. I have never felt so alone. I decided to go to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) after a friend of mine committed suicide. As someone who does not like to make phone calls, making the CAPS appointment was even harder than actually showing up. I appreciated that CAPS was in the same building as the Mary Lou. I would assume most people would expect that I go there, rather than to therapy. It snowed the day of my first appointment. I felt like the universe was against me.

After that, I was told that I could not continue working with the intern who I saw on the first day. I had to go talk to someone else due to my issues with food and body image. Then, when I went to meet with the next therapist, it snowed again. When you add that to the ridiculous societal stigma against mental health issues in the black community, it's a wonder I kept trying. But, I did. The hardest part of this whole ordeal for me has been the idea that I should/could/need to be medicated for depression, anxiety, and insomnia. It took a month before I was willing to try it. And, my worst fears became reality because now I cannot imagine my life without them. About a month I began taking medication, my grades improved by over ten points each. I was able to hang out with friends. I could eat. My life felt like it was continuing. Then, my meds changed and my life got hard again. After five months of being treated for mental health problems, I was able to take a "mental health day" where I let go of all of my responsibilities and did what I needed for myself. I have always feared what I would become if I allowed myself to let go. But, it was actually amazing. I will continue to fight and use whatever mental strength I have to combat my mental health problems. But, I am beginning to see the value in labeling them for what they are, even if I continue to not use them as excuses to do what I need to do.

3. "I faced a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma before attending Duke."

My sister and I experienced physical and verbal abuse from both of our parents and as I grew older I saw them more and more inflict that abuse on themselves and each other than on us. Reflecting back on that experience, I realized that my parents were both mentally ill. My father was going through a severe depression and my mother was in some ways deranged and possibly schizophrenic. Both never went to see a psychologist/psychiatrist even when I suggested it to them. I was very desensitized to the abuse until I came to Duke and realized that people really did not have the same childhood experiences as me. I finally had to process my trauma and come to terms with it, but it was a very difficult struggle the first three years at Duke. I would have flashbacks of my parents abusing each other. Of my mother running away, of my mother having a mental breakdown and having the cops arrest her because she was mentally deranged. Memories of my father hurting himself and telling me details of how he was going to commit suicide. These are just a few of the many. All of these childhood memories since I was maybe 3 years old kept replaying in my head. Freshman year I was very much isolated and did not make many friends. Once I started opening up and making friends, I was abandoned by friends who I opened up to about my abuse. The pressure to do really well both in my academic and social life really took a toll on me and I became incredibly depressed. I managed for the most part to maintain my grades, but I lost friendships or could not keep up with some of my friendships. Some of my close friends who knew what I was going through also ignored my issues, and ended up being fair weather friends. I had trouble from then on to opening up to people. Throughout the Freshmen-Junior years, I almost felt that I needed to be punished and needed to stress myself out because I did not deserve happiness. The reason why I felt this way is because I felt that my parents were suffering because of me. I never went to CAPS or any other kinds of psychological services for the fear that these people would report my parents to the authorities, but I realized I was actually making that an excuse because I was too afraid to go to talk to someone. It was only during Junior year when I finally talked to someone. I was taking birth control for the first time, and I had terrible side effects. I developed anxiety issues and a severe depression that caused me to have suicidal thoughts for a couple of months. I wanted to die so badly that I was scared and went to talk to someone in CAPS. With the support of some of my friends, boyfriend, and therapist I began to deal with my depression and anxiety in a healthier way. I slowly got better and got off the pill. I spent this summer doing an internship in Germany, and it has been a great way for me to reflect and de-stress. Even though there is a chance of relapsing back to my anxiety issues and depression while I am finishing my senior year at Duke, I am excited to come back because now I have tools to help me de-stress and process my trauma in a healthy way. :) Staying positive and surrounding myself with good people has helped! Unfortunately, my parents have never explained to my sister or me what has been going on in their lives and why they have acted the way they did, which is another reason why I was struggling with my trauma because I never got closure. I was trying so hard during my first three years at Duke to gain closure, but they never allowed me to have it. I have realized now that I can wait for them to explain to me what was going on, and I also have come to terms with the fact that I may never get a thorough explanation. I also have a much better relationship with my parents now because they have worked very very hard to change themselves and become better spouses to each other and better parents to my sister and me. It is incredible because I felt that my parents would never change but their changes have brought hope and peace into my life. My relationship with my parents isn't perfect and the abuse does still exist, but I am able to understand it better. I hope my story has helped you in some way!

4. “It was difficult for her to be around food and drink excesses since she was getting over her binge and purge cycles.”

My girlfriend was recovering from really bad bulimia when I met her. I think it's important that we give people the benefit of the doubt in social situations as we don't know what they are struggling with. She would sometimes not want to go out or go out to eat and people thought she was being anti-social. However, it was just difficult for her to be around food and drink excesses since she was getting over her binge and purge cycles. She had to focus on herself and getting over her eating disorder before she could be comfortable in those situations. Other things that seem so benign (like free food in common areas) also were tough triggers for her.

5. “My depression and anxiety issues began before coming to university, but leaving home, being in a taxing social environment and being under lots of pressure all took their toll on me.”

My depression and anxiety issues began before coming to university. But being on my own in a taxing social environment and being under lots of pressure took their toll on me. I locked myself in my room many days and refused to come out. For once, I was grateful I’d asked for a single; it might have meant that I felt a little lonelier, but it was better than being humiliated by a roommate constantly asking what was wrong. I still feel the repercussions of my issues most days. I hope to one day be fully ‘cured’.

6. “I'm completely terrified of being in social situations.”

I'm completely terrified of being in social situations where I don't know the people that I’m talking with. Seminar-style classes are absolutely hell. I've missed so many classes because I've been up all night crying and feeling beyond awful. I feel like I just know I can’t make it to class. I don't feel like I can tell my professors why I'm missing their classes, because I feel like they won't believe me. I don’t have an official diagnosis, and I’m too scared to go to the doctor. I also don’t have enough money to go to a doctor

7. “I was caught in an endless cycle that I felt swallowed by.”

When I first came to college, I felt overwhelmed. I’m a big-time introvert and have such difficulties meeting people, which made me in turn, feel lonely and then depressed. I couldn’t make it to classes. I started to fail classes, which only made me more depressed. It was an endless cycle that I felt swallowed by. Finally, I opened up to my family about the issues I was having. They encouraged me to seek help and therapy. It took a while for me to be able to be open and honest about how I was feeling, but they helped me so much in the end! My grades are a little better now and I’ve made a few good friends. I encourage everyone struggling with mental health issues to seek help. It helps so much!

8. “Not only did I have depression, I also had an eating disorder.”

Not only did I have depression, I also had an eating disorder. My parents were seeking for divorce, and I was having a tough time keeping up with school. I blamed myself. I decided to seek control through my weight. I restricted my food intake and exercised way more than was necessary. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was so sad and so alone. My friends tried to reach out to me, but I was unreachable. I tried to keep myself alone and apart from everyone in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. I ended up having to take a year off of school to go to a treatment center. There’s a lot of stigma around treatment centers, but I think that mine actually really helped me! Because of the treatment center, I was able to get my life back on track. I’m now about to start my senior year and I’m hopeful to see where life takes me.

9. “College wasn’t what I thought it would be.”

College wasn’t what I thought it would be. It isn’t like it’s often portrayed. Everyone always says it’s the best years of your life, but when I realized I had depression, I threw that dream out the window. It’s not all roses and sunshine. It’s so much work, so much sleeplessness, so many rude comments from professors, and so much failure. Duke was the first time I ever failed a test. I remember just staring at the paper in front of me, my vision blurring, tears pricking at my eyes. I expected college to cure my depression, but it just made it worse. I’m still fighting. I haven’t been to a therapist yet, but just a few days ago, I managed to make myself make my first psychologist appointment with CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services). I’m hoping that this year I’ll be able to make friends and get my life under control and hopefully get my GPA up as well.

10. “When I first came to college, I had multiple panic attacks a day.”

When I first came to college, I had multiple panic attacks a day. I was scared and alone. I had never been on my own before! I’d had depression and anxiety issues before, as a child, so I knew what to do. I ended up going to the psychological services center and finding a counselor. However, it didn’t really help me that much. I asked her to help me find someone off campus, and I still see this counselor two years later. Despite all of the help I receive, I’m still struggling. A lot of days I still find myself skipping class. It’s so hard and exhausting to make myself do work. I’m so scared to tell other people besides my super close friends about my depression as well because of the stigma around it. I hope that one day I will be able to. I hate my depression so much. It makes every day a challenge.

11. “I started feeling suicidal all the time, cutting more, skipping classes, and pushing all of my friends away.”

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder my sophomore year of high school. That same year, I seriously attempted to end my life. I was in a really dark place. I felt as though I had no friends, no one to rely on. It was a very tough time. My senior year, I also began cutting. These mental health issues only carried over to college. My first semester was okay; I felt sad and alone sometimes, but it wasn’t so bad. Then things escalated. I started feeling suicidal all the time, cutting more, skipping classes, and pushing all of my friends away. It was the most awful experience I’ve ever had in my life. Second semester, a friend of mine helped me get into counseling and back on my anti-depressant medication. It’s still difficult to talk about some of these experiences, but due to some very good friends, counseling, medication, and a lot of work, I’ve made it to my junior year of college and have not harmed myself in over a year.

12. “I became depressed after a guy that I thought was my friend raped me. I felt so awful and disgusted by everything.”

I became depressed after a guy that I thought was my friend raped me. I felt so awful and disgusted by everything. I couldn’t even make myself go to class. I didn’t want to do anything but stay in my room, sleep, and eat. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was happening to me. I figured that if I told anyone, they would treat me differently. After a while, though, I finally ended up talking to a friend about it. He encouraged me to seek help. I’ve been seeing a counselor for almost six months now. I’ve also attempted to change my lifestyle to help my depressive feelings, such as exercising regularly and trying to eat better. My encouragement to all of you reading this, though, is that it does get better! Even if it does seem really awful now, I promise you it will get better eventually.

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If any of you are feeling the way that is described in this article, here are some helpful resources:

Duke:
CAPS phone number: 919-660-1000
If you are concerned about a friend: https://studentaffairs.duke.edu/dukereach1

America:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255
National Hopeline: 800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 800-442-HOPE (4673)
Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline: 630-482-9696

If you are having mental health issues that you would like to talk about with someone, please also feel free to contact me. My Facebook is linked in my profile. I would be more than happy to talk with you.

*Images were chosen to add something soothing to a tough topic.