College isn't always what you thought it was cracked up to be.
When you're a senior in high school, applying to colleges is one of the most exciting parts. You start to get a taste of what it's going to be like in your future home. You starting getting acceptance letters, touring schools, and buying items for your future home away from home. This is something that you have dreamed about since starting grade school. Your relatives are constantly telling you, "Oh, you thought high school was the best four years of your life, but just WAIT until you get to college." Everyone is basically setting the standard for your experience. The experience that in the end decides your life and socioeconomic status. The experience where you're supposed to meet your future husband and bridesmaids. The experience that's going to cost you thousands of dollars just so you can make money afterwards. What they seem to always leave out is the actual reality of going to a university.
For me, I graduated high school a year early because I was too ready to move on to college. It had always been a dream of mine since I was a young child to go to a big university, join a sorority, and get a degree. So when it was in my reach, I took a chance and went a year early. My entire high school career I had always been someone who was known as smart, happy, motivated, and an overachiever. Someone who was always leading different organizations, making good grades, on athletic teams, and succeeding. When I went to school, I felt as if I not only had to make myself proud, but also the plentiful amount of adults who also wanted me to succeed.
When I moved into my dorm, I was incredibly happy. I was on my own and ready to start my path to success. Even though that night my roommate and I ate Publix fried chicken off of a makeshift table that was actually a storage container, I knew that at the end of these four years I was going to have a real career and be making real money. This is what constantly haunted me from day one. I knew that if I didn't do well that I had little chances of getting a nice paying job. This thought was what initially started all of my worries.
Three weeks into school and I feel like I'm absolutely drowning. Not only was I drowning in school work, but also juggling a social life and a sorority. The worse part about everything though was that I had to pretend that I wasn't drowning, but instead just sailing through everything smoothly. My pride couldn't handle the embarrassment of letting anyone know that for the first time in my life I was struggling. I wasn't someone who struggled. I wasn't someone who failed. I started to not feel like myself anymore, and actually resent myself. I started slipping even more. I was staying in bed all day, not going to class, and ultimately giving up.
Second semester starts and my parents finally know about my struggles. I was supposed to prove myself this next semester. The pressure on me was smothering me. I started wanting to just forget about school in general. I started wanting to even forget about myself. Every night I was drinking to forget about the five million things I had to do. I was mentally abusing everyone around me and myself. It was like I had HELP written on my forehead but no one wanted to help. I was a prisoner of my own mistakes. I had failed. I had become something I had feared the most.
After last school year, I would like to think of it as a life learning year instead of a scholastic learning year. My personality, hobbies, morals, emotions, thoughts, and dreams have changed completely. I am now the person I'm suppose to be instead of everyone else wants me to be. I know rock bottom, but now I have resurfaced. In the end even though I technically wasn't successful in school, I was successful in finding myself. Now I am in school again and have all A's at the moment. I am happy with who I am because in the end the only person I am here to please is myself. I am the only person who can evaluate myself and make judgements. I am now myself instead of the collaboration of what everyone else thinks of me.
On a final note, incoming college freshman don't be frightened when you read this. Instead, take my mistakes and learn from them. If you are struggling, it is okay to ask for help. Just because everyone around you seems to have their shit together, I promise you they probably feel like they're drowning too. Allow my journey to give you motivation to not only do well in school, but to also be mentally happy. Do things for yourself, not everyone around you. In the end, you are only here for yourself. So I hope with every decision and choice you make that you keep your own happiness in mind.
To the parents, friends, and peers of these people, learn the difference between positive pressure and negative pressure. Yes, please encourage your children and friends to do well, but don't make them feel like if they don't succeed that they're going to do absolutely nothing with their lives. College isn't for everyone and some people need to mature a little bit before they can handle the responsibilities. Also educate yourselves on the signs of depression and anxiety. If you see your friend suffering from these, instead of just ignoring the signs, reach a hand out. It's always the players who make a difference in the game, not those who sit on the bench.
XO,
Taylor Blankenship
If you or anyone you know may be suicidal or need someone to talk to, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at any time. The number is: 1-800-273-8255.
