*Content warning: sexual assault. May be triggering for some readers. The victim has chosen to remain anonymous and the abuser's name has been changed.
I think almost the whole country or at least everyone in Charlottesville, Virginia remembers the May 3, 2010 death of the University of Virginia student Yeardley Love, a 22-year-old lacrosse star and sorority girl who was murdered by her ex-boyfriend, George Huguely.
George kicked down the door of her apartment and beat her to death. He was sentenced to 23 years in prison, but Yeardley will never get her life back.
This wasn't the first time he was violent with her. After their breakup, he wrote threatening things to her like "I should have killed you." He'd also attacked his male teammate who he thought she had kissed. Once, when apprehended outside a party, he even made vulgar and extremely violent threats to a female officer and was only subdued when she tasered him.
Just a short while later, she was murdered.
Why, you might ask, is this so significant? I hadn't thought about it in years, but it immediately popped into my mind after hearing a dear friend of mine tell a terrifyingly similar tale about her ex-boyfriend, David, a student at Virginia Tech.
They started dating soon after the start of the school year, and, though things seemed fine at first, they quickly deteriorated. He was controlling, emotionally manipulative, and made frequent threats. He got violent when he was drunk. He would yell at her and berate her for the smallest things.
Her mental health suffered, and she began to believe the things he said about her. She felt trapped in the relationship and was unsure of what to do. She cared about him but was beginning to realize how unhealthy her relationship was, and began to think about calling it off.
Then, one night, they got in a huge fight. They had been having a nice conversation, just hanging out, when suddenly he wanted to go out to a party. It was 1 a.m. and most people were on their way home, so my friend asked, innocently, if it was even a good idea to go out. David responded with immediate anger, accusing her of keeping him in on purpose by talking to him. He began to shout, yelling horrible things at her, all the while banging his fists against the walls and tables.
He ran into the bathroom and started slamming stall doors, screaming "I'll strangle you, I'll strangle you!"
My friend was about to run in after him to try to calm him down when a friend grabbed her and said it was a bad idea. He may have saved her life. Another friend contacted her mother and said she was worried about her life.
She broke up with him shortly after and did what she could to stay away. The threats and abuse still came, and she decided she needed to take legal action. She contacted her Title IX representative and filed a report of sexual abuse and misconduct, prompting a hearing with the school and David. She would present evidence of the abuse and violence in the hope of the school doing something.
Shockingly, even after hearing testimonies from peers and my friend, as well as seeing technological evidence of harassment and threats, the school found her abuser not guilty.
One piece of evidence presented was a video of my friend asleep on a bed while David molested her on camera, grabbing and smacking her breasts and butt, laughing the whole time. David said it was all in good fun, and, if she let him do those things while she was awake, it was fine to do them when she was unconscious. The school agreed.
Despite the overwhelming evidence of abuse, the school dismissed the case.
David filed a complaint against my friend for harassment and Virginia Tech supported the motion, taking disciplinary action against not David, but my friend.
Her abuser got off scot-free and she got punished for it.
She loved Tech but made the difficult decision to transfer schools after realizing she would not be safe unless she was far away from David. Though excited about the fresh start, she still harbors fear, anger, and sadness about her experiences.
She has been through hell. And lived to tell the tale, unlike Yeardley Love and countless other women around the world. She talks about how close she came to being the next Yeardley and feels lucky to have escaped with her life, though it's not her life she's concerned about anymore.
She is deeply concerned about David's future girlfriends. The ones before her were manipulated and treated badly but not abused. Her relationship was an escalation, and she worries that next time, he will go even farther.
Virginia Tech chose not to punish him for his actions. They chose to ignore the evidence and allow a dangerous and violent man to continue on as he was, even validating his actions by punishing his victim. When his next girlfriend is on the floor bruised and battered, or cowering as he yells obscenities in her face, or worse, will he be held accountable? Will the school? By allowing David to go unpunished, they became accessories in his abuse, and complicit in any violence in his future.
They said to him, "Sure, go ahead. We won't stop you."
George Huguely was known to be violent and was not stopped. His ex-girlfriend lost her life. David was known to be violent and was not stopped or punished. His ex-girlfriend is safe, but what about the next one?
If you see something, say something. Just because an institution or legal system fails a victim doesn't mean you have failed. Do all you can to change things, never stop offering love and support, and speak up when you can.
You can help save the next girl.
If you or a loved one is experiencing any form of abuse, please speak up and get help. The national abuse hotline is 1-800-656-4673, and is available 24/7.\
