Major Depressive Disorder, otherwise known as, chronic depression, is a brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.
In better terms, the biggest pain in my a** that has managed to mold every last bit of me into the person that I am today. I have depression to thank for the good traits, such as the willpower I display in my everyday fight, as well as the bad traits, such as the trust issues and metal breakdowns. Despite how bad I want major depressive disorder out of my life, it is a part of me, and always will be.
I truly never understood how something that seemed so small and insignificant such as a chemical imbalance could leave such a huge impact on somebody and literally turn their life upside down. It's as if you are constantly being drowned in deep vacant waters. Every problem pulling your body a foot deeper, as you struggle to stay neck deep because staying afloat would mean unrealistic expectations. Every single day this is your life, without a helping hand in sight, simply because nearly everybody you have ever trusted and called a friend has left your side.
Depression has been a "trend" for all the wrong reasons and needs to start being recognized for the right ones. In no way am I trying to turn this into an object of competition but to everyone who falsely labels themselves as having "depression" or to the people who throw around the word "depressed" when they are struggling to find a word to explain who they feel, stop. Stop because depression is something that requires a medical diagnosis. Stop because many have no idea what it is like to truly be depressed and you're creating a false image in peoples minds that leads to a lack of understanding for the handful of us who truly are. As someone who HAS received the medical diagnosis of depression allow me to enlighten you of what living with Major Depressive Disorder is truly like.
Whether you see me on the streets, in school, at work, out with my friends, or whatever the case may be, you would see a teenage girl with a smile spread wide, cheek from cheek, a healthy glow, and confidence radiating in every direction. It appears as I don't have a worry in the world and life for me is full of fun and games. Remember depression is invisible, for some 100 percent of the time their "happiness" and "smile" is solely a cover up to hide how they are truly feeling, for others this is the case for 75 or 50 percent of the time.
Depression means having the ideal day full of all your favorite things and favorite people yet still breaking down out of sadness and frustration for no apparent reason. More frustrating than that, for the times when you can't hold it in anymore or don't trust yourself and break down in front of your loved ones, you have no explanation for them. No explanation for the storm pouring down your face and the puffy, swollen, post-crying, morning eyes. You hate yourself for going to bed the night before and saying a prayer not to wake up in the morning out of fear of doing it all over again. Luckily, God doesn't give in to our prayers that we stupidly and regretfully think or say.
The scariest part is knowing you have no control over your mind. It's as if your trapped in these negative thoughts and this excruciatingly painful sadness and there is no escape. No matter what you do there is no getting out of the mess you're in and with every tear you begin to hate yourself more and more for what is out of your control. You begin to hate your genetic make up, and ask the question, why me? You simply want to give up because you are tired. Tired both physically and mentally. You are worn out, weak, and sick of fighting. You are unsure of how much longer you can go on like this. Yet, you don't have a choice because after all this is the life you have been given to live.
To the person fighting this battle alongside me, don't give up. You are one hell of a person. Both inside and out. Despite how bad things may seem right now you have had plenty of happy moments in the past. Think of happy memories, your accomplishments, your loved ones, but most of all think of yourself. Think of yourself because you have been thrown through the worst of the worst and situations many won't face in their lifetime and have managed to come out on top. It has turned you into the amazing fighter you are today, and you serve as an inspiration for more people than you can imagine. Your strength and resiliency is such an amazing thing and even though you may be tired of being strong, keep pushing along because you are such an amazing, strong person with a beautiful life ahead of you to live.
To the loved ones of somebody fighting depression, please comfort us at our worst and love us through every step of our fight. Even though you may feel like you are of no help to us because you can't take away our problem all together you do one hell of a job at calming us down and giving us the strength to keep pushing on. Sorry that my depression may not always make complete sense to you and I'm sorry that sometimes you have to see this ugly monster. It's such a confusing thing and it kills me to leave you with no explanation as to why I'm drowning in sadness at times. Just please know, you make fighting every day worth it and I love and appreciate you more than words can explain.