To The Man That Loves Me After:
After the heartbreak. After the doctor's appointments. After those sleepless nights of tossing and turning. After the spotlight faded and everything was settled again. After the panic attacks. After another medication didn't do what it was meant to do. After another disappointment. After him.
You are strong. You are courageous. You are loving. You will learn.
In most of the dreams I remember having as a kid, I was happy. Whether I was a mermaid, a princess in a castle, or having the wedding I thought every little girl was dreaming of; I was happy. I don't remember the exact day those dreams began to change. But they did start to change; Change into nightmares that lingered even when my eyes were open. I spent years trying to fix myself. But there was always self-medicating, self-loathing, and self-destructing. Thank you for loving me, even after all of that. And thank you for understanding that those things needed to happen. That they happened for a reason.
The years have beaten me down, like waves against the shore. They've beaten me down to the person I am today. They've beaten me down woman you see in front of you. He had beaten me down. I know you can see it. Though the bruises had faded and all that was left were the scars on my brain, you stayed. When you look in my eyes, I know you can see all the struggles I've been through. Thank you for recognizing that. Thank you for seeing that and deciding I'm worth it; Worth enough to stay.
After having it all, and then losing it all, you are still here.
I locked my heart away in a box I hid deep inside of my chest. I didn't want anyone to touch it ever again. I couldn't go through that pain again. I couldn't have someone sweep me off my feet, then drop me back off in worse condition then before. But you coaxed me out of my hiding place. You told me I could keep my heart locked away until I was convinced someone was worth it. You gave me the choice. I've never been given that choice.
You didn't give up. You didn't run from me. You didn't sweep me off my feet, you gave me the option and a strong hand to help me stand and walk beside you. You gave me the option to grow where I was planted. Not plant me in your own garden and demand I flourish under a set of your conditions. You let me heal on my own terms. Not yours.
You gave me the choice and I took it.
