To My Mr. Almost
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To My Mr. Almost

I wish things would've been more black and white instead of so gray.

To My Mr. Almost

And I gave you my best and we both know you can't say that.

I know everyone has had this person, whether you want to admit it or not. It's not "embarrassing" or anything to regret. I know I'll never forget you and I'll always wonder "what if," which is okay. It doesn't mean that I want to go back to that time in my life, but a girl can dream about what could've happened.

The only thing I do wish would've happened with us is that things would've been more black and white instead of so gray. I had never looked your way or even knew about you until the day you just so openly walked into my life.

It was cold and really blustery, but I felt your eyes on me once you looked at me. I remember turning around and seeing you put your head down while trying to look away. I didn't think anything about it until you reached out to me. I remember running around and trying to figure out who you were once you asked for my number. I should've known it was a red flag that I didn't even know your name yet. Thankfully, my best friend knew who you were and informed me of everything I needed to know. I'm so glad she tried to have my back... noticed I said "tried."

She had told me about your past and about who you were trying to become now. She knew I was the person who would never judge you for your past and who would look right through all of the bad things. She warned me that I should keep my guard up, but she also knew I would let it down without hesitating. We talked about you for the rest of the night and tried to think about all of the good things that could come out of this. Did I mention I had just left a very long, toxic, and destructive relationship? So, of course, we were only wishing for the romantic love story. I was a hopeless romantic with arms wide open, and a heart that was willing to love again. I knew it was too good to be true.

I still remember seeing a random, unknown number on my phone one Monday around lunch. I didn't know who it could be and it didn't register with me that it would really be you. You had let a whole day pass without contacting me after I had gave you my number. So I just figured you were going to throw it out and not use it. Which I now know would have been the best outcome. You ended up telling me all about yourself and you were very honest with me. You explained your past to me, who you did and didn't want to be, and how you needed someone to constantly remind you of who you wanted to be... I wanted to be that someone for you. We ended up hitting it off and it was the best time of my life. I was on cloud nine and you made me believe that you were too. We talked from sun up to sun down. You made it a point to call me once a day, and you never let me go to sleep without knowing I was beautiful and everything you had been wishing for. I still remember our first date and how you made something ordinary so extraordinary. I remember our first hug and realizing I had FINALLY found someone taller than me. I remember the way you looked at me while we ate supper that night, and you never took your eyes off of me. You asked me questions, which you already knew that I loved, and I answered as honestly and openly as I could. I finally found the right questions to ask you, and you were just as honest and open with me. We ended up spending more time together on our first date than we had planned, and we didn't even seem to care. I think McDonald's ice-cream after pizza, sitting in the parking lot, was a great end to an amazing night.

I called my best friend and told her all about the amazing pizza and ice-cream date. She kept saying, "Can you please tell me I was right, just one time? I knew you'd have a great time." I finally did tell her she was right this time, and hoped she would continue to be right. She was so happy for me and knew I was already dreaming about the future. You ended up calling me once you got home and we talked for another two hours, and made plans to see each other the next day. I went to sleep thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world.

We spent quite a few days together and fell asleep in each others arms. We rode around and listened to throwbacks, we sang to each other in general, we made memories, we spent days together at a time, I met your family, and even spent time with them. I even cooked for you and made myself right at home with you. I was falling for you more and more every day. I guess now we know you weren't doing the same with me.

One day, things just changed. You weren't talking to me like you normally do, and you didn't even seem to care that you weren't. You were starting to ignore me, and only calling me when it was convenient for you. I was becoming more of pet than a person. I came running to you whenever you called my name. You were starting to take advantage of me, and using me for all of the wrong reasons. You were starting to become more of a nightmare than a dream. I was starting to lose my worth, question whether this was worth all the tears, and if this was going to continue to be like this forever. We weren't even officially together, so how in the world could this be worth my time?

Here comes the day that you broke my heart... but how could someone I'm not even with break my heart? You said that you had "too much going on" and that you "didn't want to drag me down with you" but that wasn't your decision to make. I had already accepted that this would be a process and I was willing to take that challenge on. You didn't give me the chance to prove to you that I could handle anything you threw at me, and that I would ALWAYS put you first. I would make sure you were okay before myself, and I think that speaks a lot of levels that I don't have to explain to anyone.

I guess the whole point of this was to say that I saw potential in you, and I'm sorry to say that you let me down. I saw ONLY good through all of your bad. I didn't dare think about leaving your side even though everyone around me thought I was crazy for being there. I tried to be a constant in your life. I tried to be the person you needed and the person you wanted. I guess I couldn't do both, because once you realized that you NEEDED me... you ran. You didn't think twice about me, or us. You just knew I was trying to save you and you didn't want to be saved. It hurt me knowing that I had gave you the benefit of the doubt and took your side in every battle thrown at us. I had made excuses for your mistakes, and I had accepted every apologize without even actually receiving it. You had a piece of me with you now and that will never change. I will always remember the person that had so much power over me without even having the "title" of me. You could've been the one. We could've worked through everything that you tried to throw at us, together. I know that I'm better off on my own than loving a man who didn't know what he had, when he had it. I know that I'm better off alone than needing a man that could change his mind at any given minute. Sometimes, I just wonder what we could've become if you were a better man.

You said we could still be friends, but I think you just meant that we can be the kind of strangers that share silent memories and a passing smile every once in a while... and I think I'm okay with that. Lastly, I hope that years from now someone mentions my name to you and your throat tightens up, your heart throbs in pain, and the only thing running through your mind is me. I hope you tell them I was the only girl who wanted to save you because I promise you that no one else would've had you like I had you.

Love, the girl who saw potential in you against all odds.
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