I just want to emphasize to you- this article is in no way related to the results of the 2016 election. If there is one thing you can count on, it's that this article you are currently reading has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that over half of the United States and the electoral college selected a child molesting fascist to lead the free world. Beyond this point, you will find not even a single mention to anything having to do with the fact that Hillary Clinton has once again failed to become president after thirty years of trying.
I just want to tell you a story about a small beaver named Ronald. That's all I want to do.
The Odyssey of Ronald the Beaver
Once upon a peaceful forest called Cameria, a gentle river flowed providing water to all the woodland creatures. While the deer and squirrels all enjoyed their daily drink of freshwater, they all agreed that the welfare of the Cameria river was up to the beavers. For you see, the beavers kept the river from overflowing and flooding the forest. This was a job the beavers took very seriously, and they were lead by the head beaver. The head beaver told his fellow buck tooth-endowed brethren that the dam they built and maintained had to be treated with the utmost care.
The head beaver was growing quite old and decided that it was time to pick a successor. The council of beavers, comprised of the wisest beavers in the forest, gathered and announced that a new leader was going to be picked. This was a large responsibility so only the most qualified could be chosen.
Soon enough, there was a crowd of well educated beavers all scurrying at the opportunity to lead the beavers of Cameria forest to another era of prosperity. They had all spent many years studying and preparing to become the next head beaver. Except for Ronald. Ronald the beaver had wondered drunkenly stumbled into crowd and started shouting a bunch of nonsense about how much he hated the chipmunks and enjoyed grabbing the tails of all the female beavers without permission.
The rest of the beavers watched as all the sophisticated beavers, and Ronald, argued amongst themselves about who should be in charge of the dam and Cameria forest. Eventually, the council of beavers had narrowed it down to two: Nicol T Beaver and Ronald Beaver. Nobody was sure why the council had picked these two, because they were easily the worst candidates possible. Ronald didn't even have any qualifications to speak of.
“You know what I hate?” Ronald Beaver said, “All those stupid deer. Always drinking our water.”
“I certainly like the way he speaks his mind!” one beaver exclaimed. Many of the beavers agreed that Ronald's audacity was admirable.
“But the beavers are our friends!” Nicol T Beaver cried. Another beaver spoke up.
“There she goes again! Giving our precious water to those darn hoofed mammals!”
Days went by and the council of beavers were still deciding. Meanwhile, all the other beavers of Cameria forest argued relentlessly. Not so much over which candidate was better, but over which candidate was the least awful. Ronald kept babbling incoherently, but sometimes he did make sense the things he said were incredibly racist and chauvinist when he wasn't insulting both Nicol, the council of beavers, and the voting public.
“We should build a dam so thick that the river won't flow at all!” he said, “And those damn deer won't get any of our precious water!” When someone noted that there was no way that they could gnaw through that much wood, Ronald replied with “We'll make the deer gnaw through that much wood!”
Nicol T Beaver's motives were questionable at best. Her husband was once a well respected beaver but his reputation was soured when he was caught biting another beaver's tail. They both tried to cover it up. But that was years ago and now people were upset that Nicol had a chip on her buck tooth.
The two potential head beavers were asked what they would do as head beaver. Ronald Beaver had prepared quite the presentation.
“We're going to make Cameria forest pretty alright like it was before!” he started, “Just ask my friends the bears!”
A large, carnivorous, bear of the beaver eating variety accompanied him.
“Yessir,” the bear said, “I cannot recommend Ronald the Beaver enough. His ability to lead is only matched by his trustworthiness.”
Nobody saw anything suspicious about that. Nicol T Beaver's only platform was that there was no way she could possibly be as bad or worse than Ronald. Many decided that this was a good platform.
Soon, all the beavers came together to reach a decision. The forest was loud with the chatter of pondering beavers. There was much chatter.
“Everything that Ronald has promised has been impossible.” one beaver said, “And everything he says he would do would effectively ruin the forest. We definitely shouldn't vote for Ronald.”
Another beaver spoke up.
“Yeah! Let's all vote for Nicol T Beaver!”
Then another beaver responded.
“But she has a chip on her tooth!”
One half of the beavers voted. The other half couldn't be bothered to vote and stayed home. After hours and hours of counting, the results answered the long pondered question. Who would the beavers choose as their leader? In the end, it was very close but Nicol T Beaver had the most votes by a slim margin. The council of beavers made an announcement to all the animals of the forest.
“The beavers have decided that Nicol T Beaver should be the new head beaver,” they summarized, “Unfortunately, the council of beavers have decided that Ronald is the new head beaver. Good night.”
And thus, Ronald, as under-qualified and malicious as he was, became the new head beaver. The deer were mad. The squirrels were mad. A large portion of the beavers were mad. The bears were pretty happy with the outcome.
