The girl in the mirror. The girl who once had the power to determine my good or bad days. The girl who had control over my happiness, and at points my sanity. The girl who was my own worst enemy, but the girl I could not stay away from, no matter how desperately I tried. The girl in the mirror who once had control over almost every aspect of life.
In this world that we just happen to find ourselves living in, appearance simultaneously means everything, and yet completely nothing. I would not consider loving the person staring back at you in the mirror a natural or easy thing to do. In fact, it is one of life's most unnecessary and difficult obstacles- something all humans will inevitably face difficulty with at some point or another. If for some reason you have always found this to be an easy task, know that I envy you greatly.
I have not always loved the girl I see in the mirror today; to put it simply, I resented her for many years. All she gave me was an overwhelming amount of insecurities and reasons to dislike who I was as a person. For years I could not leave the house without a full face of makeup on- whether to school, the gym, or even just to the store with my mom. Seeing myself as beautiful was just something I could not possibly fathom.
The girl in the mirror was never, ever good enough, no matter how hard she desperately tried. I would be lying if I said there we not infinite numbers of instances where I stared at myself in the mirror for hours, picking apart every little detail about my appearance that I hated. I would be lying if I said there were not countless occasions that I would actually refuse to leave the house because of how I felt I looked that day. I would be lying if I said I never broke down and cried about how truly ugly I felt in my own skin, just completely emotionally drained from the constant fight. I would be lying if I said I never purposely did not let myself eat for periods of time, hoping to lose weight in any way I could. I would be lying if I said I never worked out for hours on hours trying to burn off every single calorie I consumed that day. The girl in the mirror drowned me in insecurities every time I looked at her.
My body image was completely morphed. I did not realize the girl in the mirror was so insignificant, and that my time wasted on her was so incredibly pointless. No one told me this was not healthy; it never dawned on me that this was not the way I should be living. Part of me knew, but the girl in the mirror had consumed me- I was completely her's, and she did with as she pleased.
But thankfully with time my hair grew longer, I lost weight healthily, I became comfortable in my skin, and started to actually like the girl looking back at me. I figured out how to actually workout and eat healthier. I learned how to care for my body, and that played a huge role in the acceptance of myself. I realized the healthier I physically became, the healthier my mindset was. I became happy with who I was, and with time I realized the girl in the mirror does not control me. I became happy despite her eyes always staring back at me; judging every aspect about myself. I realized how unworthy she was; she never deserved a second of time, any ounce of wasted happiness.
My struggles with body image still bother me, which is something I know will continue to be a struggle for many years, just not as severely as they once were. I will always strive to be thinner, more muscular, more perfect- even though I know that is unrealistic. But I now know the girl in the mirror is not everything. The girl in the mirror does not reflect the girl who loves writing, traveling, animals, and rainy days. The girl in the mirror does not reflect the girl who cares deeply about her friends and family, and would do absolutely anything for the ones she cares about. The girl in the mirror does not reflect the girl who has broken a few hearts, and has cried over an undeserving boy on the rare occasion. The girl in the mirror does not reflect the girl who is sensitive, loving, compassionate, and forgiving. The girl in the mirror does not reflect the girl who wants to change the world. The girl in the mirror is just an appearance, that is all she is.
I know the girl in the mirror is not my world, no matter how hard she tries to convince me that she is. She will never prevent me from feeling beautiful, and knowing that I am beautiful. So I thank the girl in the mirror for giving me this fight; she never made it easy, she made me work for my happiness, which unfortunately sometimes has to happen. The girl in the mirror has made me indestructible. She has made me strong. She has made me confident. She has made me learn to love myself, and for that, I will always be grateful for the struggle she has given me.
