I have a lot on my heart right now. I have been sitting in front of my computer screen trying to find a way to craft what is hurting me into something coherent, something with a point or a lesson, but honestly writing out how I feel is therapeutic for me and this piece might just be a written stream of consciousness. I am fragile, I am struggling and I don't know how to talk about it. Mental health and emotional turmoil are things that are typically considered private or taboo, not polite conversation because you might make someone uncomfortable or change their opinion of you. I have always been a person who feels out loud, my mushy gushy emotions are on display for everyone to see. I am so sensitive and I feel so hard. Lately my emotional climate has been even more varied than usual and I am truly having a hard time keeping my head above water. Because of this, I have been exploring therapy options, maintaining mental health is as important as treating any other bodily ailment. I have noticed in this journey the stigmas attached to therapy, mental illness and talking about our dark places. We all have them, we are all human, yet we are all determined to convince each other that we are fine and dandy at all times. I am hoping that in putting my feelings, struggles and experiences out there I can help to encourage a more open conversation about the troubles we all feel the need to hide away.

I have a fear of being the "too much" friend. I worry that I am too sensitive, that I take things too personally or too seriously. I constantly worry that I am annoying those around me. I am terrified to reach out to someone new because I am far too high maintenance for anyone who doesn't know me well to want to deal with. I even worry that I will drive the people I love the most in my life away from me. I am constantly trying to make sure people like me and that I am not bothering them. I am always checking in to make sure everything is still okay and I haven't angered anyone. Sometimes I try so hard to make sure everything is okay I end up driving the person away from me with my fears and realizing the very thing I was worried about to begin with. I see myself as the different one, the strange one, the broken one and I feel like everyone else can see it as well. It got to the point where I feel like I can't have relationships with anyone who isn't required to love me because I would just ruin them. I can't handle anyone being mad at me, or any conflict and at the slightest sign of an issue I lose my mind trying to make everything better. I feel like I can't reach out to anyone about these things because then I would bother them, and I end up feeling so alone so much of the time. I know rationally that I have people that love me and that would let me talk and talk about what I am thinking, but the less rational part of me holds me back.

When I went to talk to a therapist about how I have been struggling she used words like "mood disorder"and "social anxiety" as a diagnosis for what I am struggling with. In some twisted way it felt so good to have a name to call my demons, they seemed a little more valid to me. Its strange how we well ourselves that what we are feeling is not valid, it isn't real, and we are so very quick to blame ourselves. Sometimes I feel like I just need someone to shake me and remind me that not everything can be my fault. I have been making an effort to verbalize how I feel more, and try my very best to not worry so much about what it will mean to other people. I have found that a lot of people are willing to hold space for me and share similar experiences. A lot of people feel trapped in their dark place. A lot of people feel alone. I think that a lot of people feel afraid to share their struggles, to reach out for help and confront what is holding them down. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't feel shy about showing pain and you wouldn't be ashamed to have it treated. A sick brain or heart or soul is really no different. We all need help sometimes and there are people out there trained and ready to help you.

Writing this all out has comforted me, at least for now. We all have feelings and right now I just have a lot of them. I am going to work on forgetting the fear of being too much for people, too emotional, too sensitive, too high maintenance. I will try not to worry that I am taking up too much space, commanding too much attention. I will try not to worry that I am too much work or not worth the effort. I will try to stop seeing myself as broken. I hope that you too can look into yourself and make some helpful changes. I hope you will start sharing how you feel and you will reach out for the help you have been needing. The stigma surrounding mental illness needs to go away and the first step to normalizing the issue is sharing how you feel or have been effected. So lets take the first step.