The 12 Stages Of Running For The First Time In Over A Month

I'm not an athlete, nor am I an avid runner. The most exercise I've done in the last 6 months is walk 30 blocks to an ice cream place in New York City. The most physical activity I do on any given day is stretching my arm to impossible lengths to try and reach my computer without getting out of bed. I'm a firm believer in "brunches over crunches."

Inevitably, there comes a day where, after eating an entire Domino's pizza to myself the night before, I feel the need to go for a run. Typically this happens about once or twice per month, and every time I go through the same 12 stages.

1. The Decision.

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Resulting from boredom, or the aforementioned consumption of an entire pizza, I find the energy to hunt down my headphones and lace up my sneakers.

2. The outfit hunt.

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Sometimes this takes longer than the actual run because I realize that the last time I bought workout shorts was when I ran track in high school. Eventually I find a suitable pair of workout pants and an old school t-shirt, only to realize either I can't find my sneakers or they're so worn out I'm not sure if they'll hold it together through the mile. Don't even get me started about trying to find a ponytail.

3. The playlist.

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I realize the last time I made and saved a running playlist was 2009 and I have to carefully select just the right jams to keep me going.

4. The start.

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I start running and I feel great. I chose a killer first song on my new running playlist and I didn't need my inhaler yet. Maybe I could even run three miles today instead of two.

5. The stop.

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About 60 seconds after I claim I could run two miles, I make a dead stop in the middle of the road and reach for an imaginary ventilator.

6. The walk.

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I wonder if my neighbors saw me run 30 feet and stop to catch my breath. I better swing my arms while I walk so it looks like I'm intending to do a fast-walk workout and not just gasp for air during my run.

7. The awkward run-in.

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Oh crap. Is that my ex-boyfriend from the seventh grade? I better start running again so I don't look like an idiot.

8. The jog.

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Maybe if I start jogging instead I'll be able to breathe easier. Nope, just as bad.

9. The blame game.

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How did the mile we ran in gym class every day not prepare me for this? That yoga class I did once two weeks ago definitely didn't help either. Maybe I'm just not meant to run.

10. The home stretch.

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I've never been so happy to see my house before, aside from those times I came home during a school break to a home cooked meal. Wow, I'm hungry.

11. The stretch.

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Maybe I should do an ab workout. I'm already in my gym clothes and I could use a little more exercise. *Proceeds to lay on floor and catch breath for 20 minutes instead of doing abs.*

12. The vow.

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I'm never running again. That was terrible. How do Olympians do this for a living? I should treat myself. Is 9 a.m. too early for a bowl of ice cream?