The 12 Stages Of Running For The First Time In Over A Month
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The 12 Stages Of Running For The First Time In Over A Month

I'm a firm believer in "brunches over crunches."

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The 12 Stages Of Running For The First Time In Over A Month
travelwellmagazine

I'm not an athlete, nor am I an avid runner. The most exercise I've done in the last 6 months is walk 30 blocks to an ice cream place in New York City. The most physical activity I do on any given day is stretching my arm to impossible lengths to try and reach my computer without getting out of bed. I'm a firm believer in "brunches over crunches."

Inevitably, there comes a day where, after eating an entire Domino's pizza to myself the night before, I feel the need to go for a run. Typically this happens about once or twice per month, and every time I go through the same 12 stages.

1. The Decision.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F6360741636045653611780419743_stages-of-the-summer-bod_28728_33441.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=924&h=8916cdc8dc946a834389496e9f525f5451d2809cee2071cb235f8c60b1d414be&size=980x&c=3556078156 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F6360741636045653611780419743_stages-of-the-summer-bod_28728_33441.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D924%26h%3D8916cdc8dc946a834389496e9f525f5451d2809cee2071cb235f8c60b1d414be%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3556078156%22%7D" expand=1]

Resulting from boredom, or the aforementioned consumption of an entire pizza, I find the energy to hunt down my headphones and lace up my sneakers.

2. The outfit hunt.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074158183868985129116709_636074152465781354-1445969449_tumblr_mc7mk6qrLE1qeeqito5_250.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=900&h=26d6990246ce52d9446f3100271cbc189dd8e4ba2047a92c7d5c1bdfbbfad569&size=980x&c=484428037 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074158183868985129116709_636074152465781354-1445969449_tumblr_mc7mk6qrLE1qeeqito5_250.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D900%26h%3D26d6990246ce52d9446f3100271cbc189dd8e4ba2047a92c7d5c1bdfbbfad569%26size%3D980x%26c%3D484428037%22%7D" expand=1]

Sometimes this takes longer than the actual run because I realize that the last time I bought workout shorts was when I ran track in high school. Eventually I find a suitable pair of workout pants and an old school t-shirt, only to realize either I can't find my sneakers or they're so worn out I'm not sure if they'll hold it together through the mile. Don't even get me started about trying to find a ponytail.

3. The playlist.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F6360741581805531951885693996_636074153245543796942940261_54889-Gif-Lol-Funny-Truth-Gifs-Music-Funny-Gif-True-True-Story-I-Can-Relate-....gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=487&h=358c2af3f8ae8a4dd835a5fc07cad4be10608cefb78f28dc2d37bcd5f20a6af1&size=980x&c=3142184833 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F6360741581805531951885693996_636074153245543796942940261_54889-Gif-Lol-Funny-Truth-Gifs-Music-Funny-Gif-True-True-Story-I-Can-Relate-....gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D487%26h%3D358c2af3f8ae8a4dd835a5fc07cad4be10608cefb78f28dc2d37bcd5f20a6af1%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3142184833%22%7D" expand=1]

I realize the last time I made and saved a running playlist was 2009 and I have to carefully select just the right jams to keep me going.

4. The start.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F6360741581816470291289610082_636074154400072743-595666816_tumblr_mki3qrzixi1s7g8oto1_500.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=862&h=1a8a0b7390e0b9fdf436d349ed899acea8c49d8782bb3e48f54019e0638db625&size=980x&c=2058388471 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F6360741581816470291289610082_636074154400072743-595666816_tumblr_mki3qrzixi1s7g8oto1_500.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D862%26h%3D1a8a0b7390e0b9fdf436d349ed899acea8c49d8782bb3e48f54019e0638db625%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2058388471%22%7D" expand=1]

I start running and I feel great. I chose a killer first song on my new running playlist and I didn't need my inhaler yet. Maybe I could even run three miles today instead of two.

5. The stop.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F6360741581816470292076721734_636074156116306397-847360636_everything-hurts-running-is-impossible-parks-and-recreation-gif.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=290&h=085938f222a9d7410e07aebce713d2eca0bb0ff196642dc3884d6330b448c619&size=980x&c=1303285559 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F6360741581816470292076721734_636074156116306397-847360636_everything-hurts-running-is-impossible-parks-and-recreation-gif.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D290%26h%3D085938f222a9d7410e07aebce713d2eca0bb0ff196642dc3884d6330b448c619%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1303285559%22%7D" expand=1]

About 60 seconds after I claim I could run two miles, I make a dead stop in the middle of the road and reach for an imaginary ventilator.

6. The walk.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F6360741581810219341427308931_636074156637026688-341039386_fast-walker-problkems-01.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=98&h=820d142fbd12fa9e297f52aa68a533f3f460bb37e71e63f1e9cf6b6de0e7f278&size=980x&c=1889292717 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F6360741581810219341427308931_636074156637026688-341039386_fast-walker-problkems-01.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D98%26h%3D820d142fbd12fa9e297f52aa68a533f3f460bb37e71e63f1e9cf6b6de0e7f278%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1889292717%22%7D" expand=1]

I wonder if my neighbors saw me run 30 feet and stop to catch my breath. I better swing my arms while I walk so it looks like I'm intending to do a fast-walk workout and not just gasp for air during my run.

7. The awkward run-in.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074158974181578-1500455910_basset-hound-running-gif.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=943&h=1db57d7f2c63644d7183043053fa398386c99304aa3576196e7b96f103b01235&size=980x&c=3463367814 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074158974181578-1500455910_basset-hound-running-gif.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D943%26h%3D1db57d7f2c63644d7183043053fa398386c99304aa3576196e7b96f103b01235%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3463367814%22%7D" expand=1]

Oh crap. Is that my ex-boyfriend from the seventh grade? I better start running again so I don't look like an idiot.

8. The jog.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074159338684848-1893994784_ann-perkins-jogging.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=492&h=84c370f6ebcd9040d33558d77823a329956fad87a2796dfb03aea2d179e3eab7&size=980x&c=3905188133 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074159338684848-1893994784_ann-perkins-jogging.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D492%26h%3D84c370f6ebcd9040d33558d77823a329956fad87a2796dfb03aea2d179e3eab7%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3905188133%22%7D" expand=1]

Maybe if I start jogging instead I'll be able to breathe easier. Nope, just as bad.

9. The blame game.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074162465937271-332558270_giphy.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=123&h=2bb64d8d4e2de99a2f2beb325ceb4014bf96e387fadcc575cdf47e4bbdfb97cc&size=980x&c=1900070631 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074162465937271-332558270_giphy.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D123%26h%3D2bb64d8d4e2de99a2f2beb325ceb4014bf96e387fadcc575cdf47e4bbdfb97cc%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1900070631%22%7D" expand=1]

How did the mile we ran in gym class every day not prepare me for this? That yoga class I did once two weeks ago definitely didn't help either. Maybe I'm just not meant to run.

10. The home stretch.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074160563540343-1699069945_lizrunning.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=754&h=09e08bb4e2771b2aef43530092f8a13cb6143e73ad4ac6d89d436dd741449214&size=980x&c=1962805499 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074160563540343-1699069945_lizrunning.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D754%26h%3D09e08bb4e2771b2aef43530092f8a13cb6143e73ad4ac6d89d436dd741449214%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1962805499%22%7D" expand=1]

I've never been so happy to see my house before, aside from those times I came home during a school break to a home cooked meal. Wow, I'm hungry.

11. The stretch.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F08%2F21%2F636074160835164579-94302598_horizontal-running-pitch-perfect.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=221&h=7d63e4fb3a9795f3d90e13c7b46cb80cc240bf006957ac75f50c4a7e5e412d14&size=980x&c=3799777738 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F08%252F21%252F636074160835164579-94302598_horizontal-running-pitch-perfect.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D221%26h%3D7d63e4fb3a9795f3d90e13c7b46cb80cc240bf006957ac75f50c4a7e5e412d14%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3799777738%22%7D" expand=1]

Maybe I should do an ab workout. I'm already in my gym clothes and I could use a little more exercise. *Proceeds to lay on floor and catch breath for 20 minutes instead of doing abs.*

12. The vow.

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I'm never running again. That was terrible. How do Olympians do this for a living? I should treat myself. Is 9 a.m. too early for a bowl of ice cream?

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