Suicide awareness month runs through September every year, but as a person who has had depression and suicidal thoughts, I didn’t even know about this until my senior year of high school. Even then, I didn’t know about the National Suicide Prevention Week, which this year was the 5th-11th.
For me, it started in middle school. I was a little bigger, it was the first time I wore glasses, and I only had one true friend that stuck by my side at first. I was an easy target for bullies and, like other victims, I wasn’t one to stick up for myself at first. It started out with some random people in the hall who would say things like, “man she’s ugly,” and “look at her all alone.” Eventually I was able to tune out the random remarks, but one girl repeatedly messaged me on Facebook about how worthless I was, and continued to give me snide looks. She told me to kill myself and I heard her loud and clear.
I went home and cried for hours, which turned into days, which turned into a constant torment that I lived with. I couldn’t escape the bullying, since so much happened online, and I couldn’t escape my mind. I began to cut myself. I wasn’t afraid of dying, but I was afraid for my family. I knew that if they knew I had killed myself, let alone hurt myself in any way, they would be devastated. I remember picking up knives on multiple occasions and feeling their weight in my hand as I contemplated life. I remember walking to the medicine cabinet and picking up bottles of miscellaneous pills, wondering how many it would take to go unconscious, get sick, or die altogether.
I stayed in my realm of darkness for years. Things continued to get worse the more I tried to hide my pain. Eventually I told my closest friends, and they told me of their struggles. The fact that someone I cared so much about dealt with similar problems made a huge impact in my thoughts. I realized I wasn’t alone in my story of suffering and that there were people around me to help. And unfortunately, there are a lot of people in these situations who end up feeling alone despite any other situations. Www.childtrends.org states that suicide is the second leading cause for death among teenagers. They also go on to say that 17% of high schoolers in 2013 had seriously considered suicide, with about 8% actually attempting to kill themselves.
Though so many people do feel a sense of loneliness in this situation, there are so many ways to prevent suicide. For myself, talking to friends and writing narratives and poems about my situations and emotions helped more than any therapist or counselor. Even talking things out with my mom after some of my toughest times helped me cope. There are other options of course, such as seeking out counselling. Along with face-to-face mediation, there are text and call centers open 24 hours, 7 days a week with trained staff to answer your questions and listen to your situation. If you or your friend are worried about you harming yourself in the immediate future, call the authorities. Doctors and nurses will make sure you are in a safe place until you are in a stable place emotionally.
Never believe in the statements bullies will through at you. Trust me, you’re not worthless. People do care about you. You’re not alone in your experiences or emotions.
Please, be safe and make sure you and your friends are family are at peace with their lives. If you are worried about yourself or a friend, please seek out one of the options above, or contact the following 24/7 hotlines:
Crisis Text Line: Text “Start” to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255) [Press “1” for Veteran’s line]
Disaster Distress Helpline: 800-985-5990 [for Deaf/Hearing Impaired: 800-846-8517]
If you are suffering from other hard times such as abuse, bullying, LGBTQ related issues, self-harm, eating disorders, sexual related situations, or other problems, visit www.crisistextline.org for a longer list of 24 hour call, text, or online hotlines.
