I have multiple mental illnesses and I'm here to tell you to stop telling me what my mental illness should look like and how "it must not be that bad for you because you're smiling." F*ck you.
My name is Stephanie. I am a 20-year-old female with above average intelligence and a good family. I have been struggling with chronic depression and generalized anxiety disorder since I was 12 years old. No known cause, clearly no known permanent treatment, and worse since I lost my father. My mental illnesses are not for show, they are not for attention or sympathy, and they are not yours to ridicule and judge. They are chemical imbalances in my brain that I have no control over, but I'm working on managing them, and I just happen to be really effing good at it by now. Just because I don't let my permanent illness kill me, does not mean that it hurts any less.
Depression is not always spaced out faces and tears. Depression is not always introversion and dark rooms and not getting out of bed in the morning.
Anxiety is not always fidgeting and crying over something stressful. Anxiety is not always missing work or feeling sick and tired all the time. Anxiety is not always outbursts when things fall out of place.
Mental illness is not always constant suicidal tendencies. It's time for everyone to stop acting like mental illnesses are easy to spot in everyone.
For me, depression is feeling hopeless but doing something anyway with a smile and helping others the best I can. Depression is going to work and class and my social events and being happy to just be with other people who may or may not care about my wellbeing. Sometimes depression is a day off but only when I'm at my absolute lowest and those days are becoming shorter and fewer. I pull myself out of it with lists of the good things and people in my life; the first thing on the list is that I'm alive, many people are breathing their last breath, and I should feel lucky, even if I don't.
Depression is the fact that I could tell you a million ways to die in very thought out detail, but I'll never let myself get that far.
Depression is a single scar on my wrist because I realized it didn't make me feel any better.
For me, anxiety is a color coordinated planner with every second of my day planned out, to-do lists so I stay on track, and heavy involvement on campus to stay busy.
Anxiety is a little yellow pill to keep my heart rate down because stress recently caused me to pull a muscle near my heart.
Anxiety is a list of goals and how I'm going to get there.
Anxiety is talking through my stress and anxiety episodes with my closest friend who shares my illnesses and the Society of Suicide Awareness and Prevention, an organization we founded together to help people like us.
Having a mental illness does not make you untouchable and people should not treat you that way. Don't look at me like I'm broken, look at me like I just need a second to collect myself and I'll be okay. I will be okay, I do not give myself any other choice. Give me a hug and if I want to talk, I'll tell you. You are not your mental illness, you will still be exactly who you want to be if you're willing to fight for it.
Mental illnesses are just that, mental. They do affect you physically and make living a lot harder but it's mostly where you can't see it. My mental illnesses are the loudest scream you've ever heard inside my head and silent to the people living their lives around me.
Depression is the constant voice saying it's pointless, hopeless, over before it started, and I have to tell it to shut the f*ck up and that I can do whatever I want and I will. I will not let despair cripple me.
Anxiety is stress, obsessive compulsive behaviors, shaking, and sometimes a mental breakdown during final exams. It's flash cards and exercise and distractions.
But not many people, outside of SSAP, know that. They don't see me at monthly peer-to-peer meetings bawling my eyes out even though I'm doing better than I was before. They don't see me sitting in my gross dorm shower crying to the Christina Perri Pandora station. They don't see the inside of my mind, which is hell (if you were wondering).
Yes, having people in your life supporting you is amazing and you need to find those people, but you have to be able to take care of you too. My best friend and I talk it out but we also tell each other to snap out of it. You have to want to feel better to feel better.
I smile because despite all of this, I am happy. I laugh because something was funny and even my darkest moments have a sick sense of humor. I joke because I'm sarcastic and you set yourself up for it. I fight for my life everyday against an enemy I can't escape, myself, and I want to help other people get to the place I am.
Just because I look happy and chipper and I'm living my life, doesn't mean it's easy for me and that I'm not struggling. I'm on top of my sh*t, I work incredibly hard, and I will accomplish everything I want to in life. I will not use mental illness as an excuse, I will treat it as an obstacle. I encourage everyone to try to take this approach. Stop telling me what my mental illness should look like, because you're wrong.
