I have always been known as the relationship girl. I did not seek one night stands or a random hookup with a cute boy at a frat party, I have always been drawn to someone who made me feel something more. This is where it definitely led me astray because I found myself settling, eating my words when I told my friends to stop texting that fuck boy because I was a hypocrite in disguise with a boyfriend.
Oh boy, do I understand how easy it is to go back to someone who has hurt you numerous times. For me, I preferred what was comfortable and begged and pleaded for that boy who made me feel anything to come take me back because finding someone else seemed impossible. I am here to tell you it is not impossible, hell I have not found it since my last breakup and I will wait because it took me since HIGH SCHOOL to realize I need to figure out what I deserve and love myself before anyone can offer it what I deserve and love me.
My first real boyfriend was the star athlete, genius, handsome guy that checked off all the boxes. We dated for years but it ended with him cheating on me our first year into college, but for some reason after that I was STILL the one begging for him back. Disgusting right? I clung on to the sweetheart he was in high school and let that hide how disrespectful, manipulative, and emotionally abusive he had become. It is easier to see the good when you want something so badly than to accept that there are thousands of cases where boys cannot change. This boy was exactly that.
Fast-forwarding to my junior year, or this past year, I found someone who I admired and fell head over heels for. Of course, he went to college far away from me but I just could not shake the feeling I had around him. It was that feeling I missed so badly, that I needed it to work no matter how far apart we were from each other. Let me tell you, it did not work. We broke up and tried to be friends who kissed on the occasion but that hurt me way worse than being cheated on for some reason. I built a wall so high I saw myself never breaking it down for anyone again. I continued to be with this guy because I was not ready or confident enough to break free and be OK with just being without him. I finally did it weeks later, and it has been the best experience yet.
I deserve someone jumping at the thought of my name or being with me. I wish I could shake everyone until it clicks, it is so much easier said than done, but if you are waiting for a text to hang out or wondering when that 2 am drunk call will come through, wake up and realize that is not someone you want to call your husband one day, so what is the point?
I tell my friends to not be with these awful men and I finally needed to follow my own advice, no matter how grueling it may be. PLEASE just please take my word for it, I know how difficult it is to leave someone and I wish I could go around and tell every girl what they deserve because it is a whole lot more than how these boys are treating us.
Call it old school, but I want my door opened. I want to feel like a queen. You all should want that too because if you are reading this it is either because you relate to me and are ready to accept the fact that your significant other sucks or you know me personally and want to make me feel like someone out there reads these. Settling is what holds us all back. GO AFTER WHAT YOU DESERVE, if I can so can YOU.
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