When a guy says you deserve better, believe him. It is not that he is not good enough. It is just that he knows he cannot give you what you are looking for. He is telling you that he isn't ready to become a better person for you, someone that does deserve you.
He likes you, but doesn't like you enough.
We met through a dating app. I had recently moved to London to study abroad for a semester. He was a British born Chinese, recently graduated and now working in the investment/financial sector. My friend had dared me to do the "7 Day 7 Tinder Date" Challenge. Essentially, I would go on a date with seven random people each day of the week leading up to my 21st birthday. For shits and giggles.
My 6 dates were fun but nothing more, and already I am forgetting the faces of the men who shared drinks with me.
But him. He made me believe that love at first sight is real. I think liking a person means liking everything about them; even their imperfections become endearing. Happiness is when you and the world can both tell that the other person also likes you very much.
Then, completely out of nowhere, he tells me that he wasn't looking for a relationship. He had ten million reasons why he needed to focus on his career; he was not ready for a long distance relationship because his past relationship failed for that reason. Yet he also told me that he even applied to 17 jobs in America for me. And his internal struggle seemed very real. That hurt me the most, because I did not understand why his final choice wasn't me. And then he said the infamous words: "You deserve someone better".
Many girls out there think this is just an excuse guys like to say when they want to break up with you. But I am here to tell you that when a guy says this, he really means it. It's not that he is not good enough for you. It's just that he doesn't like you enough to become that "better version of himself" for you.
Listen to him.
He is telling you that if you insist on pursuing this relationship, he is not going to put in 100% effort. He is telling you that you are not important enough compared to everything else in his life right now. He is telling you that he is not ready for a serious relationship, at least not with you.
Never throw away your dignity and sleep with him hoping he will change his mind. Because you are worth more than that.
I know this sounds very cruel, but it is also reality. As girls, we get hurt so easily. Often, it is because we choose to ignore the red flags guys send us, and instead try to convince ourselves of a reality that isn't real.
If a man truly loved a woman beyond all else, he would do anything to become good enough for her. When he says you deserves better, he means that he will not become better for you. Move on girl, he is not worth your time.
I remember having a complete heart-to-heart talk with the Uber driver on my way to my friend's birthday party right after parting with this guy. The driver himself told me a story of his youth, how he left his fiance at the wedding altar because he felt that something was off. Days later, he would find out she had long been cheating on him with her ex. He told me that when something doesn't feel right, you should leave. He came to London from Romania to find a better job. Yet 10 years went by like a flash; he did not even know where it all went.
Life is so short; do not waste it on someone who does not deserve you. That night, after leaving from my friend's birthday party, I stood for a very long time on the London Bridge, an opened bottle of wine in one hand. My heart hurt, and I do not remember how much I drank. But I do remember looking into the distant night skyline and knowing that I would be alright the next day. He was not my soulmate, because my soulmate would not let fears get in the way of love. The world is so big and life is so short. There is so much in my life that are more important. Ironically, this was exactly what he said too. The only difference was that he gave up before he even tried, whereas I never succumbed to my fears and always kept my dignity.
I thank him for giving me a definite answer. Nothing is worse than leading a girl on because you can't let her go and yet cannot give her what she deserves. That would be even more selfish.
But at the same time, I look down on him for being a coward. He did not have the courage to give himself another chance. I understand it takes a lot of courage to pursue a relationship that may have no ending, and for someone you have only met recently. But I have always believed that when it came to love and hate, never to hesitate.
In retrospect, I think he met the right person at the wrong time. So for him, this whole thing is just a deep sigh of what could have been. But for me, I met the wrong person at the right time. So for me, it is a heartbreaking experience.
Life is a long journey, and there will be many people whose lives cross with yours. Ultimately, we only need one significant other. This means you will always have more breakups than happily ever afters. But I also believe that when you do find the right person, everything leading toward it would have been worth the pain.
Do not be afraid to love. Because there is nothing more courageous in the world than loving someone.
Do not leave everything up to fate. How many people can actually meet the right each other at the right time in the right place? How many missed chances have we given up on in favor of leaving it up to fate? Go chase after what you want, even if the chance of success if but a sliver.
Perhaps one day, I will meet someone who thinks and does the same as me.
So girls, when he tells you you deserve better, move on. You deserve a man who is willing to be a hero for you. As for all the others...when they finally do realize giving up on you is now their biggest regret, you will have already moved on. As have I :)