When August comes around, NFL training camp ends and ESPN begins writing sports articles again (sorry Riley Curry, but we honestly couldn't care less about what you do in your free time). Joint practices give hope to football fans everywhere about how their teams will fare. As a DC Metro Area native, I've grown up around Redskins football. Year after year thousands of other fans and I put our hopes and prayers into 53 men. And year after year we are left disappointed by the messy, organized atrocity that is the Washington Redskins. But it’s somewhat of a hobby of mine, reading all of the analyses done by sportswriters and conjuring up my own opinions on how the team will fare during each matchup of the season. Here is the poor man’s breakdown of the team:
RGIII: Robert Griffin III will always be more athletic than you. However, Robert Griffin III will almost always make worse decisions than you as a football player. Robert—the only pocket you need to escape is DAN SNYDER’S, not the one that we drafted Brandon Scherff (unspeakably in the 1st round) to create for you. Believe me, if you learn to do this, there is absolutely nothing holding you back from being just like your friend Russell in Seattle. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get a massive contract extension like he did. And hopefully give us the Super Bowl we deserve.
DeSean Jackson: DeSean is a very fast man. DeSean’s mouth is also very large, as are the holes in his game. He’s the deep-threat that we’ve needed for so long in Washington, but he talks too much. Remember what happens to people who call out Darelle Revis and Richard Sherman. Also remember that he once dropped the ball at the one-yard line. There’s also that time he returned a punt for a touchdown against the Giants with no time left on the clock. He is the superstar player who either makes or breaks his career in Washington—as was the case for so many players before him. DeSean, please do not break your career in Washington. We gave you a lot of money.
Defense: I cannot possibly write about each individual member of this defensive divided. Our defensive line is a force to be reckoned with. Ryan Kerrigan is a young J.J. Watt just waiting for the right time to destroy any quarterback. His size and speed is largely present due to the fact that he is not a human, but actually a bear disguised as a human. The rest of our line is okay, but we found in Kerrigan what we had hoped to find in Orakpo—had he not been so injured all the time. Now, it’s our secondary that has had issues for so long. Our cornerbacks are too slow and prone to making mistakes. Our linebackers have lacked leadership ever since London Fletcher retired and our safeties haven’t been rock-solid since Sean Taylor (R.I.P), and maybe LaRon Landry. We did make a positive move by getting rid of God-awful defensive coordinator Jim Haslett and hiring Joe Barry instead so that was cool.
Special Teams: Fire everybody. Everybody sucks so much.
Management: It’s been rumored that someone other than the evil demon king Daniel Snyder once ruled Redskins Nation. Back in the white ages, the Redskins were the most powerful team in all of America, winning not one, not two, but three Super Bowl championships. But then the fire nation attacked. Daniel Snyder overtook the organization and shafted it into the horrible pile of feces that it is now. He hired a staff of goblins to help milk the Redskins trademark of all of the money that it hadstruggled for nearly a century to build, and then he lost the trademark. Pocketing the players as individual cash cows, Daniel strived to profit only personally. Legend has it, that in the future—a white knight will ride into Washington and buy the team from Sauron—I mean—Snyder, and restore faith and good will to what is truly the Nation’s team. Until then, the good people of the DC-Metro Area are forced to watch the clown-show that is the Washington Redskins fumble their way to another mediocre season followed by wasted draft picks and the signings of washed up free-agents.
Predictions:
Week 1 vs. Miami: WIN, but only by fluke
Week 2 vs. St. Louis: WIN, because Foles still has nightmares about playing the Redskins
Week 3 vs. New York: LOSS, because RG3 will throw more picks than Eli Manning
Week 4 vs. Philly: LOSS, because Philadelphia is a professional football team
Week 5 vs. Atlanta: WIN, because Matt Ryan chokes
Week 6 vs. New York (Jets): WIN, because the Jets “aren’t used to playing tackle”
Week 7 vs. Tampa Bay: WIN, because Tampa Bay will use a “no quarterback” system
Week 8 vs. Bye Week: LOSS, because there is no defeating father time
Week 9 vs. New England: LOSS, because New England is good at football
Week 10 vs. New Orleans: LOSS, because RG3 hasn’t played 9 consecutive games before
Week 11 vs. Carolina: LOSS, because Cam Newton will throw for over 1000 yards
Week 12 vs. New York: WIN, Manning accepts challenge and throws more picks than RG3
Week 13 vs. Dallas: WIN, Romo has flashbacks of previous relationship during 4th Quarter
Week 14 vs. Chicago: WIN, Chicago will resort to using anyone other than Cutler at QB
Week 15 vs. Buffalo: LOSS, because of weather
Week 16 vs. Philly: WIN, because Chip Kelly is a racist and fired all of his black players
Week 17 vs. Dallas: WIN, because why not.
Redskins go 9-7, RG3 signs $18.5 million contract extension, team prematurely changes name to Winners.
