Arguably, it's one of the cornerstone pieces of American culture. It's the day when friends celebrate each other's differences and eat chicken wings together—the first Sunday of Black History Month.
Coincidentally, it was also Super Bowl Sunday.
It is no surprise that I, Veronica Faison, do not like sports. I do not understand them, nor do I want to understand. However, every year I find myself at a Super Bowl watch party, watching the most American sport besides competitive hot-dog eating, trying not to look too enthused about the commercials.
And I know I'm not alone in this endeavor. Nearly 20 percent of people at Super Bowl watch parties do not not care about football.* We masochists do this to ourselves for three compelling reasons: friends, food, and fireball.
And although we make the effort to pretend we care that the Patriot's didn't make it to the Super Bowl this year, the farce doesn't last forever. We fake football fans go through five main stages.
1. "Yeah of COURSE I know who's playing!"
You look a little too over-involved. You know that, but you also know you also have a lot to prove. To earn your pizza and wings, you find yourself saying foreign things like "The Broncos have SUCH a strong defensive line!" Except you don't know what a defensive line is, and you learned who the Broncos were last week.
2. Insincere patriotism, "GO TEAM!"
Based on which team has the prettiest color combination or who has the cutest tight end (if you know what I mean,) you decide who you're "rooting" for. And you're a little extra about it, too. You hate the fact that you're fulfilling the stereotype that females know nothing about football because you know that's not true at all, it's really just you. So loud as hell, you boo and yell, but the only chant you can spell is F-A-K-E.
3. "So who is ordering more wings?"
You are really trying to pay attention to the score board, but your eyes keep going to the plate of disappearing wings before you. You know it's rude to interrupt mid-touchdown celebration, but you've got priorities.
4. "Did you see how good Beyonce looked?"
Here's where your true colors are showing. You're more passionate about the appearances of your favorite singers than the fact that the Peyton Manning just broke some sort of old people record. "I mean, did you hear Gaga slay those vocals? Did you see how Bey FLAWLESSLY recovered from that near-fall? And yeah, the Panthers are losing. So sad.”
5. "Finally."
It’s at this point, when the final score is up on the board and there is no more cheesy-bread nor alcohol left, you can’t hold up the sham any longer. You roll your eyes at your friends who want to watch the ESPN analysis afterwards, and eventually leave to do better things, like write your Odyssey article.
To all my seasonal fake football fans out there, there is no need to be ashamed. People have done worse for free beer. I'll be right there with you next year at Super Bowl 51.
Maybe we would have paid more attention if the Patriots were playing.
*Statistic is completely fabricated. There are way more fake football fans than just 20 percent.
