Have you ever truly felt free? Have you ever had a moment of absolute clarity; a moment in which nothing can stop you, and nothing can bring you down? What about a time where you were at one with yourself and with the world? I have. I could lose my memory completely, but my soul will always hold onto these most precious moments of mine, the moments that made me who I am today. Do you want to know my secret to feeling so exhilarated, unrestricted, and indestructible? It is a painful and taunting secret that hovers over me every day, reminding me of where I’ve been and what I’ve lost. It is true, that these were the happiest times of my life but somehow I let it all slip away. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s also one that I force down on a constant basis. My secret is… that I had found my passion, and the reason it’s so painful is because I let it slip away.
For me, it was on the back of horse. Yep, I was a horseback rider. Many of you may not even know this about me, but the ones who have been in my life long enough probably do. I was trained in multiple disciplines, and had a natural ability for the sport. It always came easy to me, until it didn’t anymore. Falling down is hard, and sometimes you fall down so much and hit so hard, that you don’t even want to get back up again; and one time I didn’t. By the time I was 8 years old, I was rounding up cattle with my dad in the Tennessee Mountains. By the age of 10, I was soaring over fences that were four feet in length. By 12, I was competing in Eventing competitions all over the southeast. At 14, I was already working and training horses for a cheap price by the month. But by the time I was 16, I was burnt out, and tired of hitting the ground. I could have made a living out of my passion. I could have gotten a scholarship to college. I could have went a lot farther than I allowed myself to go, and I can’t help thinking “What if? What if?”.
I felt freedom galloping at top speed across the mountains, with the wind in my hair and a smile on my face. I felt it again flying over fences that scared the ever living crap out of me. I conquered my fears, and I kept moving up. There is so much pride when you accomplish that, especially when it’s something you are so passionate about. So, I beg to anyone who is still reading; PLEASE… don’t let your passions slip away. Whether its drawing, playing a sport, or learning about a subject that interests you, never give up on your passions. When you get knocked down or think your effort is for not, think again. Do what makes you happy, do what makes you feel free.
Horses that I loved dearly passed away and broke my heart. My heart sank even further when I had multiple disqualifications in the stadium arena because my horse refused to jump a fence (due to reasons that were my own fault). My pride that was once so bountiful shriveled when I got bucked off and felt like I wasn’t good enough. I was tired of getting hurt. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into the sport that I loved, even breaking a few bones along the way. I’ve been back in the saddle a couple times in the past few years, but I have yet to feel that moment of clarity again. I let it slip, and my life could have been much different if I hadn’t.
Life makes you put things that don’t matter into your top priorities. I got too wrapped up in boys and friends and forgot who I was for a while. I’m a different person now, but looking back at old photos, I still remember the girl that once conquered all her fears, and made it to the top. She’s still in me somewhere, and I hope one day that I can be more like her again.
So my friends, I say to you, do what makes you happy. Life is short. We will all have our time to die one day. Do what makes you feel free. Find your happy place. Find your clarity and your passion, and NEVER let it go.
